speaking of british and what not. i want to travel. seriously. i want to travel the world. i feel like being a photographer i should be able to travel. which is why i am suck between a rock and a hard place on somethings. semester is almost over and there is a trip to scotland in may. in may. yes i say may. basically i would be in scotland from may to june and then i would have to find a place to stay over the rest of the summer. but thats not my hard place. or rock i suppose. i haven't been working all semester due to the act that i'd probably end up dying if i had. but i applied to be a team lead at valley fair this summer, and if i get the job i was suppose to go home and work again. give up another summer and work my ass off. thats the problem. i have given up two summers and i haven't had a chance for fun. and if i go on this trip, i won't be able to work. nor will i have the team lead position that i want. it seems that my friends from work that i first met when i started working there are telling me to screw valleyfair and go to scotland.
i'm not sure what to do anymore. i want to go to scotland. it is a place i have been dying to go! problem is, i am afraid to go. why? because i feel like i have to go work. i have to be the one who never gets to go do something fun. yes, i went to a concert over the summer with my twin. but that was at home. i haven't' been outside of the state since new york city my senior year of college. thats my problem right now i guess. i haven't been able to hang out with my friends ever. seeing how when i work, i have one day off a week and i sleep and don't do anything other then laundry. i do not know what to do! my best friend is going to scotland for the whole spring semester. which means not seeing her and a plus of going is i might be able to see her. who knows. i have to much to think about on this subject.
so i watched One Day and basically its a sad movie. the ending is sad but happy. (i'm not giving spoilers sorry) but it also makes you wonder about your own life. i mean, these two people met randomly one night after graduation from college. from college. and were a "one night stand" and basically they have been friends ever since. but still. my roommate and i sort of talked about it. i mean, think about it. how many of your friends are engaged, dating or married already? i have a lot of friends that are and it makes me wonder what is going on in my life that i can't seem to find that one person. maybe i need to open my eyes? or maybe that person is right in front of me and i can't see it. i love the movie, don't get me wrong. i am happy i bought the movie. it just makes you think. i have a two friends that are engaged. one that is having a child, no i take that back. two friends are having children. one is married.
who knows maybe i am just going insane. i seem to be in that mind set lately. with scotland on my mind. having people tell me their opinions on it. and there is this one person. who means a lot to me and this person has told me to "fuck valleyfair and go." this persons opinion means the world to me and yet i can't seem to get my foot in the door of going.
have you ever wanted to distance yourself from something or someone? well i have. and do. sometimes i feel like i am being replaced by some of my best friends. those i went to high school with and now i go to college with. i mean, i am like the person who they don't see anymore and yet, i have a friend who is always at their place and i can't seem to be mad at her. why? because i am either left out when they are drinking on the weekend or i seem to be a last minute add in. all i know is, i feel awkward when i go over there. like i shouldn't be there or i should just leave right away. it sucks. because i have no idea how to tell someone this. and then there is someone who is already in a long distant from me and i can't help but want to distance myself even more. this said child is something special and yet, i don't think i should still have these feelings i suppose. i am sure i still have friends on campus that are still thinking and telling me to not. that its a waste of time. and that i can do better. problem is. these feelings should have gone away long ago and they haven't. its like i miss this said child and yet, i can't seem to figure anything out. maybe its because i am tired and i am stressed out about finals coming up. who knows.
all i know is i had a lot more to say but i can't remember what i was going to say anymore. i hate that. anywho. i suppose. if i figure out what i want to say, i will let you know next time. hopefully it will be soon and not later. i plan on writing more with in this month. however, i leave you with a piece of my art work. i hope you enjoy.
(and yes while i was writing this, i had a british accent. at least in my mind i did)
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