so i've been in this funk ever since saturday. seriously i haven't really left my apartment, other then to eat. or go to the store for something. i haven't taken a shower until late in the afternoon and truthfully i just do not care. which might mean there i something wrong with me. probably. who knows. my mood lately has been down and i have no idea why. today sucked (tuesday) only because one, i found out we still have a quiz thursday on a lecture we haven't even had yet. which to me is bullshit. and two, i emailed valleyfair to tell them i would be in scotland this year and i wouldn't be able to join them this season and of course i applied to be a team lead so i asked if i would have gotten a position. and of course my asshole of a manager didn't say anything about it. all he said was "thanks for telling me and have fun traveling" ugh. this just makes me think that i am not worth being in a leadership position and that sucks. i mean, i took all the bs that they dished on me last season. with being harassed by my team lead at cork to having to move rides and being brought back to corkscrew to finish off the season. let along deal with them cutting my hours all the time and calling me in last minute. or even calling to tell me i don't have to work after driving 45 minutes to work and already walking up the stupid hill.
and another thing. i want to lose weight. ha. that is a joke. wanna know why? well one, its for me and two apparently someone in my family (or someones) asked my mom about my weight or said something about it and apparently i am getting to big in their eyes. however, my cousin can gain a ton of weight and no one cares but they care about me. i have been trying and its hard. i have a workout class everyday Monday - Thursday plus i get up and workout on fridays, take a group fitness class and what not. and yet, here i am eating rice, and a chicken salad sandwich. ha. right. healthy. probably not. truth is. i am beyond insecure about myself. i hate the way i look and sometimes i use want to fly away where no one could find me. seriously i do. i have had it in the back of my mind that i need to get into shape and i am finally putting a foot in the door but then i find myself in these moods and i can't get out of them. its not like i don't eat. cause i do. i found out not eating before kickboxing (which is at 2:30PM) is not a good idea. and i don't eat snacks at night. if i do its carrots, or a few crackers. every now and then i will have popcorn. a friend of mine drinks these shakes twice a day and eats one meal a day. maybe i will try that plus my fitness classes and going to workout on the days i don't have them. maybe that will help me out.
i don't know. maybe i need to rethink everything. today the whole thinking that i am not good enough is probably a sign that i shouldn't go back to valleyfair. it was fun while it lasted but seriously. i worked so hard on my application and i worked so hard to prove that i could handle the job. i just think someone is out to get me and i can't stop it. who knows. maybe not getting the job was a sign. not that i am saying i regret going to scotland. because i don't. i think that if i didn't go to scotland and i waited to find out i wasn't getting the job i would probably hate myself even more.
i suppose. this is short seeing how i don't know what else to say. later blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment