so its 2 am. i seriously need to stop wanting to write super early in the morning. but i can't sleep. there has to be something wrong with me? i don't know. i don't have much on my mind but i guess i do. i don't know anymore. i am back on campus, i bought my books today, minus one, and a ton of food thanks to my grandparents. plus a few extra things thanks to them. seriously i don't deserve grandparents like mine. they help me out so much and i feel like i haven't given anything back to them. yes people can say that i give back being their granddaughter but have i? i always run to them when i need someone to help me and not my parents. i don't know. any who, i am not tired. this sucks because i want to get use to going to bed earlier then i have all break. and this is the funny thing. normally i am in bed by midnight, even over break i was. minus the one time i got home after bar close drunk off my ass but still.
i suppose being on campus means i have to go back to school. truth? i didn't want to come back to campus. seriously. i wanted to drop out of school and stay at home. when you have your grandma ask you if you are going to be there to help her all the time. what are you suppose to do? i feel so bad leaving because i should be there helping her.
also, have you ever felt so alone yet you are around all of your friends? sometimes that is me. actually that is me a lot. i feel so alone being around all of my friends. and yet, there are a few that i don't. problem? they are the friends that are not in LCM. funny right? i am apart of a community that is giving and welcoming and yet i feel alone. maybe it is because i don't have anyone to talk to about anything. when my grandma fell my best friend was at the hospital with her brother who had a clasped lung. she was worrying about that. and i was worrying about my grandma. don't get me wrong, i love my friends in LCM. i probably would have transferred to another school if a good friend of mine didn't introduce me to LCM freshmen year when everyone on my floor hated me and stopped talking to me for no reason.
i think this year and last year has just been hard. and a lot of people in lcm have gotten me through a hell of a lot and i am forever thankful for them for that. last year i had people to talk to about a lot of things and i just feel like this year i don't have anyone. i feel like an outcast and maybe its because LCM has changed this year, some of it not for the good of things either. i mean, people aren't listening to each other talk but i guess things change for a reason and somethings need to go back to the way they were. i still love everyone in lcm don't get me wrong. and maybe i just need to be pulled out of this slump but it might take a little bit. maybe the fact that losing someone else in my family is going to be harder then just losing my aunt. truth is, my grandparents are my world and when they pass i think it will take my every being just to smile.
seeing my grandma on the floor scared me, yes, but just thinking about losing my grandparents is hard. my grandma wants to move to florid and seriously i don't know if i can handle that. my family lives in a big circle. they live within a 30 mile radius. my grandma had a CT scan on her head at the hospital and it only showed a broken nose. but what if she is having mini stokes? those don't always show up on the ct scans. i should know, well not me personally but my mom's dad, so my grandpa had mini stokes, but they never showed up until he had his first major stroke. i suppose i will just smile and write how i feel seeing how it works.
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so i want to point something out. my blogs are personal, yes. my blogs aren't short, sweet and to the point. no. my blogs are for me to let people know how i am feeling. i don't write blogs every day or every other day. it does take me a long time to write one. seriously. i will have my blog sitting up on my laptop for hours, and sometimes days waiting to be finished. so i am sorry if people do not like how long, and personal my blogs are. however this is something i can show how i feel because talking about it, its beyond hard for me. i am not someone who opens up to people easily. my best friend has to force me to talk about whats wrong most of the time because i don't want to be a bothersome. so yes. once again. i am sorry if my long, scattered, personal blogs are not you piece of cake.
remember i still love my friends in lcm its just something i have been feeling lately that is something i need to figure out.
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