i'd rather be anything but ordinary please

so its been about a month since i last wrote anything. my bad. i have been meaning to start writing again its just been super hard to find the time, and/or the energy to really sit down and write. a lot had been going on this semester and i dont haven't a clue how to keep my mind straight. its weird, cause this semester i feel like i can't be around anyone without being annoyed with people. might be a problem. who knows. i thought living in the on campus apartments would be awesome, i could cook whatever i wanted and when i wanted. however, the what i wanted isn't working out so well anymore. i thought i was a picky eater and well, that is just insane. i live with the worlds pickiest eater which sucks. cause i am so good at making food but a lot of it has to do with pasta and it just sucks. oh well i am trying to deal with it.

well i am dropping my business minor. i decided last night that i would drop it. it isn't for me, and lately i think that is affecting my mood and who i am. i mean, i dont really hang out with anyone anymore. and that is another story but oh well. i am dropping business because i feel like i am forcing myself to like something i do not. i feel like if i keep forcing myself i wont be able to perform as well as i want to in school and that is whats bugging me too. i mean, i have an accounting class and i haven't been able to pass any of the tests. i am failing a class and i dont know how to feel about that one. who knows. i feel like this semester had been a roller-coaster. i feel like i am just riding on Renegade or Wild Thing over and over and over again, not stopping.

since we are with the school montage, photography. yeah i had junior reviews last week. it went well, i just have to find my "voice" in photography. well guess what, it would probably happen if i could find people willing to do photo shoots and not back out last minute. it just sucks. i feel like i need new friends when it comes to photography. not that i dont love my friends i have now, but i want to do photo shoots where i can direct people. i dont think people realize that directing people you know is a lot harder then not knowing them. there is a lot of things i want to do, but i feel like being in moorhead has blocked what i want to do. i mean seriously, i am suppose to be a photographer... and yet i can't do what i want to do because i have friends who are afraid to do a photo shoot where they might have to be showing skin it seems like.

concepts i want/wanted to do:
-fairytale
-murder
-being lost in the woods
and yet, i can't seem to find people who are willing to help me. i have a friend who would be more then willing to help me out, problem is, she is all the way across the state in Superior..grr. who knows. maybe i will be able to figure it out next semester. who knows. i mean, mer. haha. that and i havent found the right picture i want to use for a shadow portrait. so i am having a friend help me out. and just having ner name off stuff she likes has given me ideas of what to do. hopefully it goes well.


so halloween weekend was fun, (yes i know its been a while since then but shhhhh) anywho, a friend came up that weekend, which was good. we haven't seen or talked to each other for six months and we are still talking to each other still. anywho, i sort of promised said child i wouldn't give up on photography. why? because said child believes in me. yeah i know it sounds stupid but guess what, it works for me. if someone says they believe in me then yeah, i am going to stick with it. i mean, really, if i were to quit now, i'd be wasting three years of college on nothing then. i just haven't found my style i suppose. it was just nice to see said child again, seeing how i missed seeing, and talking to them. oh well, maybe a bad idea seeing how said child means a lot to me and i dont know.

anywho, i should probably get working on photography and start setting up my stuff for a photo shoot for today.


see ya hopefully it wont take a month to write something.

remember that one time when we did that one thing?!

so i was reading my friends blog and i realized i haven't said anything for awhile. i guess nothing much as happened. fall break was last weekend and it was fun. i took my little brother out to lunch on friday [he got to skip the whole day] and then we went to the sculpture garden to take his senior pictures. then we went to minnehaha falls for senior pictures as well. who knows. it was all fun. and then sunday we have a family grill out ... which was good. i had a few sips of a beer and i wasn't a fan of it so i gave it to my cousin. haha. anywho, we did family pictures because my grandma wants a picture of her grandchildren. why after eleven years but who knows. so i took them. i set it up and had my mom push the shutter. however, my cousins are lame. they ruined every picture that was taken. they wouldn't just look at the camera, no they decided to make bunny ears and they decided to look the other direction. WHY can't they just do something nice for once. what makes me annoyed/mad is that after the pictures my cousin was like "i want these on facebook right away." um..well no. i can't because i have to edit them and make them look nice! ugh. i swear something i hate being a photography major haha.

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ha so my twin just came up for the weekend. can you say BEST WEEKEND EVER?! i haven't seen her since may 12th? yes? no wait ... she came to valleyfair with friends a few days after that so it must of been about a week before i was done full time. but still! its been so long since i have seen her and i was super happy she came up to visit. we went out to the bar and had birthday shots! haha. we couldn't celebrate our birthdays together because she's older then me by 23 days. haha. it was so fun though! we walked to fargo and sat at the bar. we were laughing so much it was funny and then we got a guy to buy us a drink! WOOT!! haha. we are such dorks.

truthfully? i haven't had that much fun in the longest time. all weekend was filled with laughs. the month of october is going to be great. every weekend i have something to do. i am only going to be on campus for two weekends! but halloween weekend i am skipping my advising photography retreat to do the murder mystery dinner with lcm. why? well lately i haven't been wanting to do anything in my major lately. which is probably a bad thing. but its halloween weekend a ton of people have stuff they want to do. like, the dinner, and its halloween so there are parties that people go to and everything. i mean, it would be awesome to go on the retreat but at the same time, since i haven't been 100% into photography lately i dont see why i should go? i dont think it would help me figure out whats wrong with me. who knows. i dont know what is going on this semester. but yeah.

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have you ever had a friend who stopped talking to you for half a year and then bam, you text them because god knows why and then they start talking to you again? yeah. i dont get it either. who knows. guess we'll have to wait and see how that story goes right now.

anywho, since i'm in photography i best get working on photography and not chilling on facebook or writing my blog. haha

later!

I wish I could Bubble Wrap my heart

guess what! i'm 21. yup i turned 21 almost a week ago. fun thing about being 21. no one can judge me on underage drinking. hell ya! a lot has happened since my last blog. i am pretty sure my last blog as after i stopped working at valleyfair? i think it was. i'm not completely sure. its been a while, so forgive me if i am wrong.

so its been about 3 weeks since i last worked. and to tell you the truth. i wish i was still working at home. why? because lately its been stressful with school and roommate stuff and friends at school. yup. being at valleyfair was less stressful and it was fun. i got to hang out with all my friends from work. and see the people that made my day ten times better everyday at work. mostly ... a couple people towards the end of the season. since my twin ended up quitting which sucked because i had to suffer the last two weeks i worked without her. anywho, but yeah school this year. what a joke.

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school...its week number 7 now? and i am already needing a vacation. i dont think people realize how stressful it is to be a photographer. i mean, i just spent an arm, a leg and half of a foot to buy supplies that is much needed for my major. a new laptop and a new camera. two new cameras. dont get me wrong i am loving my new laptop and my cameras. its just ... being a photographer is hard. you have to think of so many concepts and figure out what and why you want this to be something.

the first couple photo shoots were ... meh. but those were with traditional black/white film. i am tired of traditional film. seriously a year in a half of it sucks. so now we are working with digital. i like it a lot more. so my frist digital photo shoot went well. i liked the print i had for it. and then i had another one ... failed at that. and so the one i am working on now. yeah can you say stressful? it is stupid how i try and set up a photo shoot and it fails every time. i am starting to think that being a photographer is a bad idea.

monday after my birthday was the worst day ever. i'm serious. i started thinking of quitting my major or just taking a year off of it. i can't just take a semester off because being an art major if you take a semester off...you have to take a year off. just the way the classes go. and i have also been thinking of transferring schools. O.o yeah ... i said it. transferring schools. it just seems like Moorhead is sort of dying. or maybe it is because of all the stupid crap that has been going on. i havent talked to my parents about it yet. but at the same time. i dont want to transfer but who knows. maybe its time for something different. i just need a little time away from everything on campus i think. it just seems like i am doing something wrong all the time.

for example. i was setting up a trip down to the cities to go to valleyscare. or well, i was going with my brother and i was setting up a trip for a bunch of people. it was going all smoothly and then it failed. yup i failed. shocking right? seems to be like i've been failing a lot this year. i just feel like no one was listening to me and i had it all figured out but nope, no one listened to i cancelled it. ha.

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well...i am just going to get going. not much to write about. since i know how people feel about those complaining about things in blogs. haha. later blog

long live the walls we crash through

so i'm home ... again this weekend. i swear i am always home it seems like. oh well, thats what i get for working all the time i suppose. lets see ... its been three weeks since school has started and i have been doing homework non-stop it seems like. no seriously. i have a lot of reading to do. and projects for art. sometimes i wonder why i am an art major. i didn't have a social life this summer with friends in college and yet i still dont have a social life with friends in college or work it seems like. oh well...? i dont know. i have been living in my apartment and it seems like i am the odd one out sometimes. because i am the one who isn't afraid to take chances and yet i dont know. sometimes it seems like all i have is drama in my life right now.

someone else me i need to relax and just not stress out about everything. well lets see my life has been turned upside down it seems like. the week before i left for school my cousin moved into our apartment. and it was a little weird. well i take that back..its super weird and i was afraid to tell my mom that. why? because i was afraid of hurting her feelings. ha sad right? so i would talk to my brother about it and he agreed it was a little weird. if you know my family you know how mature we are and how sometimes we seem to be older then we really are. well that is what is happening now. i guess...? i dont know its just hard to explain right now.

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so work is almost done. this is my last weekend at work. i am done working weekends. i am happy but at the same time i am really sad to be leaving for the season. i have my team lead application sitting in my binder and i need to fill it out soon. ha. its not like i dont want to go back. its just i can't think of reasons why i would be a good team lead. i have been dealing with the doubting myself because of a day at work when everything just went to hell. yeah... i sort of broke down at work the week before i was going back to school. branden [my supervisor] wasn't in a good mood either that day and basically i thought he was mad at me for something that i didnt do. i dont know it was a weird day and i just freaked out and branden felt bad when he saw me freak out. he is the one who handed he the team lead applicatoin to fill out because he WANTS me to come back and be a team lead. heh.

so i have been having doubts about doing it. it isn't that i dont want to go back. its just ... hard. even though the more i go back the more my resume will look. woot woot. haha. anywho i got my application done and it was sort of hard. why? because i got to think about what leadership qualities that i wish to improve on. aka what is something i need to fix about myself. ha. lets just hope i get the job! O.o

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so its 9/11/11 and that means it has been 10 years since the Twin Towers were hit. i'm sitting in the living room with my grandma right now and they are going through all of the names of those who died on that day. they are at the new memorial for those who died at that sad day. isnt it shocking to know that it has been 10 years since that day? funny right? 10 years and we are still trying to get over all the pain from that day. it is so emotional to watch people at the memorial go and find the names of their loved ones. the families of those who passed away are allowed to go into the memorial today. they are not finished with it but when they are done, i really want to go to new york to see it. its just sad, because they are reading the names and at the end, they say those who have passed away in their family.

it makes you stop and think. what would have happened if this never happened? i dont think i can think of what our lives would be if this never happened. its just so emotional to watch this right now. it seems to be something that is on everyones minds today because of how painful it was. everyone keeps asking me, "where were you when it happened?" truthfully, i was at home, as much as everyone is like "oh you were at school" um..no i was at home. i dont know why i was home but i remember my mom coming into the house, and telling me to turn the tv on.

i was driving to caribou on friday listening to the radio. it was early in the morning so the morning show was on, and i figured "hey why not just watch?" and then they said something that sort of bugged me. they were basically saying how everyone has forgotten about this day. truth is, we haven't gotten. its just we have all tried to move on. isn't that what we are suppose to do in life. is move on? we can't just sit on the past and moarn for years and years. we have lives that we all need to get back to. one of the djs made it clear that they think people are just forgetting the pain. no, we haven't. its just we can't always do a lot its just, we all have to get on with our lives and still keep it in our hearts. they is all we have to do. keep it in your hearts and minds and tell those in the next generations what happened on this day when they see it on the news or in the papers. it is something that we need to do and as much as people might think we are all forgetting about the pain and suffering everyone in america took, we haven't. it is something we need to realize.

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well i leave you with some random fun facts.

41% of the moon is not visible from earth at any time.

in literature, the average length of a sentence is around 35 words

the symbol of the pound key (#) is called an octothorpe

yeah well some of the ones that i have seen on my ipod isn't that fun. oh well. i could give you more facts about Valleyfair..but right now. meh. dont feel like it. maybe next time!

im not the kind of girl ... speak now ...

hey! so its almost been a month since i last wrote a blog. jeez. what have i been doing with my life? wait ... what life? valleyfair owns my soul according to my friends. haha. oh well. saturday needs to come. basically i need saturday to come because ... i'm back at corkscrew. yeah my rides are down for the season and now i dont know. i want to be there but i want to quit. but my parents convinced me not to quit because i would have lost my bonus. so i stayed. i wasn't happy that when i was on vacation people at work tried to tell me what was going on. i had to turn my phone off just so i could relax. ugh. that kinda sucks. oh well. branden [supervisor] said that if i quit he'd be sad. because they need me to work. i'm really glad i got to know him over the summer. because ... he has been able to make me feel better when i am in a bad mood because of something. and he understood when i had to get relocated that it wasn't my fault and that i didnt want to be there.

speaking of not wanting to be there. i didnt plan on going back to valleyfair this year. and i have been telling myself that i am not going back next year. until branden gave me a team lead application. and we talked about me being a team lead at certain rides and even though i am not 100% sure that i am going back that he wants me to fill out the application. hm... should i? i mean... should i REALLY go back?

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so another thing at work that bugs me. is that ... people who are really disrespectful. we have these things called "special access" and basically is you are autistic or if you have special needs we can let you on our ride right away or give you a boarding time. basically we gave this guy and his family member of what not a boarding time and they wanted to sit in the front seat so we let them. and we asked/told those waiting that they needed to wait for the next train to come into the station [30 seconds longer] and they threw a fit! i'm SORRY but basically you are disrespectful. has it ever dawned on people that their lives are a little harder then ours? i dont know.. maybe i'm in the wrong or something but i had that people treat them like crap. they are still people, its just they need a little help to get through life.

also it seems like i have to call security every time i am in controls. but this girl i work with called security at totspot [little kid rides we run] and she was telling me she called security because this mom was hitting her child! i guess the story is ... she was letting kids in to the ride. and one of the little kids didn't want to ride and the mom got mad and started beating on her child. um .... one ... you dont do that in public.. two ... you dont do that EVER to a child or anyone! i asked if she said something to the mom and she said no. NO!?! um.. i'm sorry but if it was me i would have said something. i would have at least gotten the child away from their mom some how and just started talking to them. and ask them why they are scared or something while i waited for security. but i'm sorry. this is why people i work with this year ... or basically at corkscrew make me mad. minus some of them... because i love working with them. but STILL! why wouldn't you say something?! i might be in the wrong again but no...

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ever have a weird mood? like with music. well i do now. its with taylor swift. yeah her cd. SPEAK NOW. yeah my mom had it and i have been listening to it non-stop. but i am listening to the stuff not on the radio and what not. i like those songs better because ... oh yeah! they aren't over played. haha.



so..... oh! did you know animals wont eat other animals that have been struck by lightning?

yeah i didnt either until today. yay branden for his random facts. :)

because i knew you. i have changed for good.

hey. so i haven't said much for a while. probably because the last time i said something i wasn't in the best of moods and right now. well lets just say i have been frustrated with a lot of things right now. and it is to the point of i dont know who to talk to. well not really, it is more of i dont have time to talk to people. i am always on the run, going to work, staying late at work or just sleeping. seriously i haven't been home doing anything for myself for the longest time. i finally got to have some free time from work on thursday. well i finally got to get off work early on wednesday last week which made my week. haha. who knows. i bought my brother midnight tickets to Harry Potter Part 2 in 3D. it was fun because i didn't tell him i was buying them.

basically i had a good few days with my brother. i didnt work thursday so i took him to Harry Potter. and i had to work friday..but i got paid to play in the rain. that was a meh thing though. i mean. who knows. everyone was on break at the same time. which was fun because power tower was on break as well so we all ate lunch together. which is funny because this guy [who i sort of like[d] ] well i guess not funny. he has a girlfriend. and he flirts, i dont know if he realizes is or if he just doesnt care? but anywho, i wasn't wet from the rain yet. and he went to have a smoke before we left. so he came back and gave me a hug. i told him i didnt want one and then he hugged me before we went outside in the down pour. at that point i didnt care if i was in the rain or not.

so on our way back to our rides. the puddles got HUGE. so we were jumping in them and kicking water around. but still. i dont get why boys flirt when they have girlfriends. hm... who knows. boys are confusing and dumb. ha.

i went to the DCI show yesterday! Drum Corp International! it was a lot of fun. i went with my little brother. it was fun because it was the only time i have been able to spend a few days with my brother. i mean. come on. Harry Potter [i cried] and DCI. i got to watch my friends march ... it made me sad because i miss marching but i can't deal with my knee being in pain. but hey i got to go to DINKYTOWN for the first time and have some of the best pizza with my brother, and some friends and some of the members from Minnesota Brass. then i got to spend time with a friend that i have liked for a while but that isnt going anywhere because ruining a friendship isnt the best idea ever.

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have you ever had someone not talk to you for 4 months for no reason? yeah well i have and to tell you the truth, it sucks but then you start to say what the fuck ever. who cares anymore right? i was to that point until today. i mean...a friend from high school is home. so he wanted to get together and i was all for that. because i miss him and i haven't seen him in forever. the problem is.. my ex friend...friend type thing that hasn't said one word to me in 4 months was going to be there. and i dont know. i was nervous about it because i was finally to the point of realizing that he was a jerk and that having a jerk for a friend was a bad idea. i mean who wants a friend who treats you like crap. i dont. but basically seeing him made me realize that i do miss him and his brother. because well, they were always there for me when i needed them. who the hell knows. maybe it will go back to me not caring. i mean boys are stupid and dumb and sometimes i wish we didnt have to live with them. they are frustrating.

the song from Wicked is For Good. [the title of my blog today]makes me think of that friend. because if it wasn't for him and his brother i dont think i would be me today. i have changed, i have become more of a person who stands up for herself and doesn't take crap from people. who knows. maybe i have changed for the bad and not for the good. thoughts?

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so speaking of frustrating..work is beyond frustrating. i mean. i need my three day weekend where i can go up north and turn my damn phone off and ignore everyone from work. there are a bunch of people at work that are annoying. i'm sorry. but if you complain about not getting enough hours and then your supervisors give you the hours that you want..and then you go around asking people to take your hours ... we have a problem. i mean, i have asked my supervisors for more hours because i need the money and what not .but SERIOUSLY! it is beyond stupid for you to complain and then you complain about having hours. ugh.

all i have to do is keep saying ... 12 days until i go up to moorhead for the weekend. just keep reminding myself that i do get a vacation soon.

valleyfair + heat = death

i swear i have died at work. at least yesterday. i felt bad because after work i was suppose to play mini golf with someone from my team and i didn't feel well. so someone took my place instead. i felt bad but there was no way i was going to play mini golf with out passing out. ugh. today i work 10 hours in the heat. good thing it is only suppose to be today and yesterday that is suppose to be super hot.

so...i found out i was the "other fat bitch" at corkscrew by my ex-team lead who got fired. i'm SO glad that i am a "controlling bitch" and the "other fat bitch" there. makes me hate myself even more that people are thinking and saying i'm fat. super glad. this is going to ruin my day. why do people have to say stupid shit and make people feel like crap. i have already been trying to figure out how to lose weight. and working at valleyfair is suppose to help however, now i am trying to figure out how to lose it more now. who knows. i'm tired of feeling like crap. i mean, i can put a smile on my face and say "oh i'm fine. who cares what people say." but really, if you think about it. you are going to listen to what people say.

i'm writing this before i go to work. seeing how i dont work until noon today but still. i have been eating healthier and i work at valleyfair so i am on my feet all day unless i am driving the train or i am in controls. so seriously. what is the problem. people say not to listen to what people are saying about you, but really how many of us do it anyway. .....ugh.

oh well...off to work. remember to DRINK WATER!