so its 2 am. i seriously need to stop wanting to write super early in the morning. but i can't sleep. there has to be something wrong with me? i don't know. i don't have much on my mind but i guess i do. i don't know anymore. i am back on campus, i bought my books today, minus one, and a ton of food thanks to my grandparents. plus a few extra things thanks to them. seriously i don't deserve grandparents like mine. they help me out so much and i feel like i haven't given anything back to them. yes people can say that i give back being their granddaughter but have i? i always run to them when i need someone to help me and not my parents. i don't know. any who, i am not tired. this sucks because i want to get use to going to bed earlier then i have all break. and this is the funny thing. normally i am in bed by midnight, even over break i was. minus the one time i got home after bar close drunk off my ass but still.
i suppose being on campus means i have to go back to school. truth? i didn't want to come back to campus. seriously. i wanted to drop out of school and stay at home. when you have your grandma ask you if you are going to be there to help her all the time. what are you suppose to do? i feel so bad leaving because i should be there helping her.
also, have you ever felt so alone yet you are around all of your friends? sometimes that is me. actually that is me a lot. i feel so alone being around all of my friends. and yet, there are a few that i don't. problem? they are the friends that are not in LCM. funny right? i am apart of a community that is giving and welcoming and yet i feel alone. maybe it is because i don't have anyone to talk to about anything. when my grandma fell my best friend was at the hospital with her brother who had a clasped lung. she was worrying about that. and i was worrying about my grandma. don't get me wrong, i love my friends in LCM. i probably would have transferred to another school if a good friend of mine didn't introduce me to LCM freshmen year when everyone on my floor hated me and stopped talking to me for no reason.
i think this year and last year has just been hard. and a lot of people in lcm have gotten me through a hell of a lot and i am forever thankful for them for that. last year i had people to talk to about a lot of things and i just feel like this year i don't have anyone. i feel like an outcast and maybe its because LCM has changed this year, some of it not for the good of things either. i mean, people aren't listening to each other talk but i guess things change for a reason and somethings need to go back to the way they were. i still love everyone in lcm don't get me wrong. and maybe i just need to be pulled out of this slump but it might take a little bit. maybe the fact that losing someone else in my family is going to be harder then just losing my aunt. truth is, my grandparents are my world and when they pass i think it will take my every being just to smile.
seeing my grandma on the floor scared me, yes, but just thinking about losing my grandparents is hard. my grandma wants to move to florid and seriously i don't know if i can handle that. my family lives in a big circle. they live within a 30 mile radius. my grandma had a CT scan on her head at the hospital and it only showed a broken nose. but what if she is having mini stokes? those don't always show up on the ct scans. i should know, well not me personally but my mom's dad, so my grandpa had mini stokes, but they never showed up until he had his first major stroke. i suppose i will just smile and write how i feel seeing how it works.
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so i want to point something out. my blogs are personal, yes. my blogs aren't short, sweet and to the point. no. my blogs are for me to let people know how i am feeling. i don't write blogs every day or every other day. it does take me a long time to write one. seriously. i will have my blog sitting up on my laptop for hours, and sometimes days waiting to be finished. so i am sorry if people do not like how long, and personal my blogs are. however this is something i can show how i feel because talking about it, its beyond hard for me. i am not someone who opens up to people easily. my best friend has to force me to talk about whats wrong most of the time because i don't want to be a bothersome. so yes. once again. i am sorry if my long, scattered, personal blogs are not you piece of cake.
remember i still love my friends in lcm its just something i have been feeling lately that is something i need to figure out.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
hospital runs and meteor showers.
well i didn't think i'd be writing to you so soon. i wrote a few days ago about my grandparents, going to a funeral and basically my thoughts about how people seem to be oh i don't know. annoying? i don't remember. its way to early. any who, yesterday (Tuesday Jan 3rd) was hard. i mean it. when i was talking about my grandparents i meant that they are my world. my grandparents have helped me through a lot. i can go to them whenever i know my parents can't help me.. anyway. basically i went to my moms work to have lunch with her (like i have been doing since i got back home for break) and then we ran to walmart to look for something for my car. my check engine light came on so i had to go down to my dads work so he could look at my car.
normally i go to my grandparents house everyday because i am that type of grandchild who visits their grandparents everyday or at least every other day. truthfully, i was just going to go home. i didn't want to go to my grandparents house because i was there on monday. i figured i should go over however to check if i got any mail. since i use their address for my school stuff and basically everything that i have in my name, due to the fact that i lived with them for several years after moving back from oklahoma.
have you ever watched a movie where when you walk in the front door there is blood everywhere? yeah that was me. with my grandparents house you can just walk in, the dogs bark and then they ask who is there. normally if they dogs know who you are they stop barking and come greet you. however, when i walked into the house, i saw the blood and at first i thought "oh maybe grandma dropped blood from hamburger or some type of meat" then she asked "whose here?" like she normally does, and it sounded normal. so i was going to run up the stairs to give her the mail. however, that never happened. i finally realized that the dogs were in the kitchen, licking up the floor not because of hamburger meat but because my grandma was bleeding.
the house is weird. you walk into the house, you have a small hallway, with a closet, then to the right you have the room that leads to the garage, and also had the laundry room. and then to the left just as you walk in is the kitchen. and there is a pantry that is in the viewing way of the dining room that we have. then the stairs that lead upstairs and then a set that leads down to the basement.
i got to the stairs and saw my grandma. i'm seriously didn't know what went through my head at that point. i knew she wasn't passed out because she was talking to me. i tried to help her up. i seriously tired my hardest to get my grandma off the floor. but i am apparently not strong enough. i started to cry because i felt like i couldn't do anything to help her. i tried calling my moms cell phone but she was driving her bus and i didn't remember her work number, i didn't have my brothers work number or my grandpas (it would have been useless to call him, he works at MSP airport for TSA) and then i called my aunt, who didn't answer her phone so i call my uncle (her husband) because they were the closest to the house.
did you know that i have NEVER ever called 911 before? never have i ever had to call 911 before. my aunt told me to call 911, my uncle gave her the phone, and she told me that they needed to take her to the hospital. well if you know my grandma you know that she won't go. any who, my grandma told me not to call because she was afraid it would hurt my grandpa. i finally talked her into letting me call them to at least get a cop or someone to help me get her off the floor.
i called and it was weird. i'm serious. i thought 911 was suppose to answer right away?! but no, it ran at least 5 times before they answered. i'm sorry but someone could be dying and yet people don't answer. so whatever. i called, they said they were sending someone over. so i sat on the floor with my grandma, in tears telling her i was sorry because i couldn't help her. you have NO IDEA how bad i felt about that. i am suppose to be there to help my grandparents and i am the only grandchild that does so it seems.
okay, another thing about police and any emergency people. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO RESPOND TO A CALL?! i'm not kidding. my grandparents live just down the road from the police station and every time i am on the main road by their house there is at least three cop cars that i pass. but no, it took them at least ten minutes to get to my grandparents house! i called 911 again because i was getting pissed. however as soon as they answered they pulled into the driveway. the officer was nice and helped me get my grandma off the floor. so i called my dad and told him that my aunt and uncle were almost there. however, i didn't tell him my grandma was off the floor. because he told me not to call 911. well i was only thinking about my grandma and how i couldn't help get her off the floor.
after the police officer left, taking information down about what happened. i helped my grandma up the stairs and then went and put the dogs outside. have you ever cleaned blood off tile floor? or at least blood that has mostly dried off the floor. water doesn't cut it. so, i had to put bleach in a bowl and put my grandma's super hot water and scrub the floor. however when i was in the middle of it my aunt and uncle got there and then i had to stop because the dogs were going insane.
my grandma is stubborn and didn't wanna go to the hospital. however they made her and i had to leave the floor. i couldn't finish cleaning it because my aunt was being stupid. i'm sorry but i didn't need people walking into the house seeing blood on the floor. so i called my cousin (who lives there and was at school) and asked him to please clean up the floor and that i'd call him when we got to the hospital. however that didn't work. he called and asked why there was blood on the floor so i told him and he cleaned it for me. at the hospital my grandma had to go in for questions and it was funny because she came back out and the nurse was like "you must be the granddaughter. good work" it made me a little bit happier.
it took FOREVER though. we waited after her questioning. my parents called me several times. telling me to keep them posted. my dad said if they keep her over night to go and get him blah blah blah. oh man it was a mess. all in all? she ended up with a broken nose. a BROKEN NOSE?! that was it. it was scary because she told me she had been on the floor for almost an hour. AN HOUR! what would have happened if i didn't go over there yesterday?! that went through my mind as well. i was scared. i'm serious. it was probably the scariest thing i have ever had to deal with ever. i've seen my grandparents in hospitals before but i have never had to deal with a ton of blood on the floor. which is why i HATE hospitals. i don't like being in them probably because i've seen my grandparents in them several times.
she's fine. i just feel bad i can't be home to help her after friday. then i feel like i can't do anything and i know it is going to be a struggle when i go back to campus now.
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so meteor showers! have you seen one? my mom and i did this morning. which is WHY i am writing right now. any who. it was hard to see, due the all the light pollution. seriously. i hate light pollution. being a photographer i want to capture EVERYTHING. so i wasn't able to capture the meteor shower this time. however, there is suppose to be at least two more this year. :D it was awesome because my mom and i saw several shooting stars go by. i am jealous that my cousin probably saw more then me. they live on a sob farm so there are no light pollution. i should have asked if i could have stayed over for the night just for that reason. i am in the mix of buying a tripod to help steady my camera next time. :)
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sorry if the first part of the blog is scatter-minded. i know some people hate that i do that type of writing. but with something like that....it is hard to remember everything in the correct order.
normally i go to my grandparents house everyday because i am that type of grandchild who visits their grandparents everyday or at least every other day. truthfully, i was just going to go home. i didn't want to go to my grandparents house because i was there on monday. i figured i should go over however to check if i got any mail. since i use their address for my school stuff and basically everything that i have in my name, due to the fact that i lived with them for several years after moving back from oklahoma.
have you ever watched a movie where when you walk in the front door there is blood everywhere? yeah that was me. with my grandparents house you can just walk in, the dogs bark and then they ask who is there. normally if they dogs know who you are they stop barking and come greet you. however, when i walked into the house, i saw the blood and at first i thought "oh maybe grandma dropped blood from hamburger or some type of meat" then she asked "whose here?" like she normally does, and it sounded normal. so i was going to run up the stairs to give her the mail. however, that never happened. i finally realized that the dogs were in the kitchen, licking up the floor not because of hamburger meat but because my grandma was bleeding.
the house is weird. you walk into the house, you have a small hallway, with a closet, then to the right you have the room that leads to the garage, and also had the laundry room. and then to the left just as you walk in is the kitchen. and there is a pantry that is in the viewing way of the dining room that we have. then the stairs that lead upstairs and then a set that leads down to the basement.
i got to the stairs and saw my grandma. i'm seriously didn't know what went through my head at that point. i knew she wasn't passed out because she was talking to me. i tried to help her up. i seriously tired my hardest to get my grandma off the floor. but i am apparently not strong enough. i started to cry because i felt like i couldn't do anything to help her. i tried calling my moms cell phone but she was driving her bus and i didn't remember her work number, i didn't have my brothers work number or my grandpas (it would have been useless to call him, he works at MSP airport for TSA) and then i called my aunt, who didn't answer her phone so i call my uncle (her husband) because they were the closest to the house.
did you know that i have NEVER ever called 911 before? never have i ever had to call 911 before. my aunt told me to call 911, my uncle gave her the phone, and she told me that they needed to take her to the hospital. well if you know my grandma you know that she won't go. any who, my grandma told me not to call because she was afraid it would hurt my grandpa. i finally talked her into letting me call them to at least get a cop or someone to help me get her off the floor.
i called and it was weird. i'm serious. i thought 911 was suppose to answer right away?! but no, it ran at least 5 times before they answered. i'm sorry but someone could be dying and yet people don't answer. so whatever. i called, they said they were sending someone over. so i sat on the floor with my grandma, in tears telling her i was sorry because i couldn't help her. you have NO IDEA how bad i felt about that. i am suppose to be there to help my grandparents and i am the only grandchild that does so it seems.
okay, another thing about police and any emergency people. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO RESPOND TO A CALL?! i'm not kidding. my grandparents live just down the road from the police station and every time i am on the main road by their house there is at least three cop cars that i pass. but no, it took them at least ten minutes to get to my grandparents house! i called 911 again because i was getting pissed. however as soon as they answered they pulled into the driveway. the officer was nice and helped me get my grandma off the floor. so i called my dad and told him that my aunt and uncle were almost there. however, i didn't tell him my grandma was off the floor. because he told me not to call 911. well i was only thinking about my grandma and how i couldn't help get her off the floor.
after the police officer left, taking information down about what happened. i helped my grandma up the stairs and then went and put the dogs outside. have you ever cleaned blood off tile floor? or at least blood that has mostly dried off the floor. water doesn't cut it. so, i had to put bleach in a bowl and put my grandma's super hot water and scrub the floor. however when i was in the middle of it my aunt and uncle got there and then i had to stop because the dogs were going insane.
my grandma is stubborn and didn't wanna go to the hospital. however they made her and i had to leave the floor. i couldn't finish cleaning it because my aunt was being stupid. i'm sorry but i didn't need people walking into the house seeing blood on the floor. so i called my cousin (who lives there and was at school) and asked him to please clean up the floor and that i'd call him when we got to the hospital. however that didn't work. he called and asked why there was blood on the floor so i told him and he cleaned it for me. at the hospital my grandma had to go in for questions and it was funny because she came back out and the nurse was like "you must be the granddaughter. good work" it made me a little bit happier.
it took FOREVER though. we waited after her questioning. my parents called me several times. telling me to keep them posted. my dad said if they keep her over night to go and get him blah blah blah. oh man it was a mess. all in all? she ended up with a broken nose. a BROKEN NOSE?! that was it. it was scary because she told me she had been on the floor for almost an hour. AN HOUR! what would have happened if i didn't go over there yesterday?! that went through my mind as well. i was scared. i'm serious. it was probably the scariest thing i have ever had to deal with ever. i've seen my grandparents in hospitals before but i have never had to deal with a ton of blood on the floor. which is why i HATE hospitals. i don't like being in them probably because i've seen my grandparents in them several times.
she's fine. i just feel bad i can't be home to help her after friday. then i feel like i can't do anything and i know it is going to be a struggle when i go back to campus now.
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so meteor showers! have you seen one? my mom and i did this morning. which is WHY i am writing right now. any who. it was hard to see, due the all the light pollution. seriously. i hate light pollution. being a photographer i want to capture EVERYTHING. so i wasn't able to capture the meteor shower this time. however, there is suppose to be at least two more this year. :D it was awesome because my mom and i saw several shooting stars go by. i am jealous that my cousin probably saw more then me. they live on a sob farm so there are no light pollution. i should have asked if i could have stayed over for the night just for that reason. i am in the mix of buying a tripod to help steady my camera next time. :)
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sorry if the first part of the blog is scatter-minded. i know some people hate that i do that type of writing. but with something like that....it is hard to remember everything in the correct order.
Friday, December 30, 2011
winter/christmas break and thoughts.
so already this break i want to go back up north. but at the same time i don't. i mean. maybe i want to go to Scotland already. yeah thats about it. people love being home for break, and me? ha. funny. sometimes i hate being home. and i'm not afraid to say that i hate being home. i hate being home because i can't see my high school friends because we are all so busy and normally this is when we can. oh and i lost two friends in the last year so basically i have no friends at home. well.. i take that back. i have friends. she finally came home. maybe that is what everyone thinks when they see me. the girl who hates being home. but i also love being home. its just hard. it has become a lot harder to be home because i am still deal with the loss of my aunt. i don't think people realize how much i am hurting because of it. i see my grandparents. they have been married for 50 years now, and they have had two children die before them. i mean, how does one deal with that? i see couples today and i laugh. because they think its easy to be married and have children. but really, think about it. do YOU think your marriage would last if you had a child of yours die before you? and the answer is no. love isn't what it was back when my grandparents were teenagers. love isn't the same anymore. people say they love someone just after a few months. but can you really and i mean REALLY love someone after knowing them for only a few months? even if they are your best friend. i don't think you can.
my grandparents fight all the time. and its just hard being home because i see how much time has gone. my grandpa is getting slower and it hurts knowing that pretty soon his heart is going to stop and he won't be here anymore. no one gets it. i have a special relationship with my grandparents that i don't think anyone else really does. from what i can tell, my friends only see their grandparents once in a while. and for me? i see mind every time i come home. i make the effort to spend time with my grandparents. how many of you call your grandmother at least once a week? i don't think a lot of us can say "i do." i call my grandma at least twice a week and if i don't call her in a week then i make sure i call her the next week. i don't see my grandpa all the time when i am home. because he is always working. but when i see him, and i notice that his memory is getting worse and that he has become slower, how i am suppose to feel? its the same with my grandma. ever since my aunt passed away its been hard to be around her. she has pushed everyone away and yet, she expects us to do everything for her. and the problem is, her memory is getting worse and she isn't remembering the things that i tell her all the time.
i guess i bring this up because i have already been to a funeral over break. and it made me start thinking of a lot of stuff. it was a family friend. basically my other mother. her father passed away and i watched his wife cry. my mom was next to her holding her just so she wouldn't break down. but she did. i don't think i have ever seen someone love someone like that before. during the serves she said "he was my best friend" that was something you don't hear anymore. seriously. you might be like "whatever, i will marry my best friend and prove you wrong" but seriously. think about it. you can't always say someone is your best friend. you grow apart. it also made me think about my grandparents. because seeing my other moms's mother break down made me realize she is going to die of a broken heart. but with my grandparents. we have already said one will not last without the other. dunno. but all that i know is i want THAT. i want to be able to say "he was my best friend." when my husband dies. i think people are getting engaged early and not knowing what to do. or they are getting married and not knowing what to do to tell you the truth. at least that is what i see from it all.
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so, its one in the morning. yay. ugh. i haven't been able to sleep much lately. why? i have no idea. i probably have to much on my mind. wouldn't doesn't surprise me i mean my name is "Kayla 'Crazy' McDonald" (don't ask) and sleep hates me. seriously it does. maybe because i slept for a while this afternoon. probably. i went out drinking with my twin and her boyfriend. probably the only time i will say i got to hold a girls hand and i didn't care what people thought! haha. no. we just made her boyfriend look like a lucky guy.
so i have my camera. i brought it home so i could take pictures at christmas. well that never happened. because i feel like if i take pictures of something my family wants me to do everything for them. i understand that photography is my major but seriously. just because i take pictures of something related to someone in my family that doesn't mean you can demand that i give you prints of them. maybe that is my problem right now. i don't want to do photography because one, i judge myself hardcore and i can't seem to find what i am good at in photography. two, my family is driving me nuts when it comes to photography. my little brother doesn't count. because he is my brother. but its everyone else in my family. another reason might be, because my aunt (who is a "photographer") judges my images! MY IMAGES! saying that they are "okay" for example. my cousin and brother are graduating at the same time. and my brother had his senior portraits done by me and my cousin apparently had his done professionally. okay fine. but his were horrible! and i mean it. call me a bitch whatever, i don't care. but i know what a good photograph is. yes some of my stuff isn't good but still.
i promised a lot of people (i suppose a few maybe 5 people) i wouldn't give up on it. its just i am confused. i am confused at what to do. i hate comparing myself to everyone else. but really. i can't even get through a critique without someone chewing me out for something. my final portfolio, i redid. because i hated everything from the whole semester. that has to tell you something. i tired something different and guess what. BAM blew up in my face. i fucking hate it. seriously i do. who knows anymore. i might just be one of those artist that ends up going back to school for something better. i do not get it anymore. something inside of me is telling me to GIVE UP and move onto something else. but then what, waste my entire college life on something that isn't making me happy? i mean, photography is making me happy. i think i am just being blocked by something. or someone. i feel like i can't do what i want to do but at the same time i can do whatever i want. i really want snow so i can try winter photography with my new camera. oh well. guess we will see when i get back up north.
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to tell you the truth. the only reason i don't write every day like some people is because i want to put meaning behind what i say. i don't want a blog that is pointless. i want people to read it and try to understand where i am coming from. however i am sure it is hard. i have been pretty vocal about a lot of things on my mind. actually, this year i haven't been. i have been hiding a lot of it from people. maybe because the trust i use to have with people up on campus/college is gone. i'm serious. this year i feel like i don't have friends at school anymore. its like i am only their friend when they need me to be one. maybe its me. but i am telling you that i feel like a loner while i am at school. i don't do anything with people up north. minus the friends i had from high school that are up north with me. but college is suppose to be about making life long friends. and me? i feel like i don't have many. i am getting to know a few girls in my photography class. and sadly they are he ones that i miss the most it seems like. they understand where i am coming from with a lot of things. and maybe its because they are photographers right along with me.
i feel like people don't understand why photography is stressful. and how it isn't easy. just because we don't have final exams or papers doesn't mean we have it easy. try making a portfolio every semester and hopefully having people say nice things about them. don't think people could do it every semester. but hey. its my life. and i am sticking to it.
this is what happens when i am up at night not being able to sleep. but hey, i had a great time with my twin and her boyfriend wednesday night. getting smashed on the u of m campus was awesome. truthfully this break has been boring but when i do get out and do something with my twin, or my other half (different people) its fun. just like i am tired of waiting on a call from a company that i had an interview with. so, i am sticking around home for a few extra days and hopefully seeing someone that means a lot to me. however that is a different story and might be coming soon.
anywho blog. i must be going. talk to you later! :)
my grandparents fight all the time. and its just hard being home because i see how much time has gone. my grandpa is getting slower and it hurts knowing that pretty soon his heart is going to stop and he won't be here anymore. no one gets it. i have a special relationship with my grandparents that i don't think anyone else really does. from what i can tell, my friends only see their grandparents once in a while. and for me? i see mind every time i come home. i make the effort to spend time with my grandparents. how many of you call your grandmother at least once a week? i don't think a lot of us can say "i do." i call my grandma at least twice a week and if i don't call her in a week then i make sure i call her the next week. i don't see my grandpa all the time when i am home. because he is always working. but when i see him, and i notice that his memory is getting worse and that he has become slower, how i am suppose to feel? its the same with my grandma. ever since my aunt passed away its been hard to be around her. she has pushed everyone away and yet, she expects us to do everything for her. and the problem is, her memory is getting worse and she isn't remembering the things that i tell her all the time.
i guess i bring this up because i have already been to a funeral over break. and it made me start thinking of a lot of stuff. it was a family friend. basically my other mother. her father passed away and i watched his wife cry. my mom was next to her holding her just so she wouldn't break down. but she did. i don't think i have ever seen someone love someone like that before. during the serves she said "he was my best friend" that was something you don't hear anymore. seriously. you might be like "whatever, i will marry my best friend and prove you wrong" but seriously. think about it. you can't always say someone is your best friend. you grow apart. it also made me think about my grandparents. because seeing my other moms's mother break down made me realize she is going to die of a broken heart. but with my grandparents. we have already said one will not last without the other. dunno. but all that i know is i want THAT. i want to be able to say "he was my best friend." when my husband dies. i think people are getting engaged early and not knowing what to do. or they are getting married and not knowing what to do to tell you the truth. at least that is what i see from it all.
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so, its one in the morning. yay. ugh. i haven't been able to sleep much lately. why? i have no idea. i probably have to much on my mind. wouldn't doesn't surprise me i mean my name is "Kayla 'Crazy' McDonald" (don't ask) and sleep hates me. seriously it does. maybe because i slept for a while this afternoon. probably. i went out drinking with my twin and her boyfriend. probably the only time i will say i got to hold a girls hand and i didn't care what people thought! haha. no. we just made her boyfriend look like a lucky guy.
so i have my camera. i brought it home so i could take pictures at christmas. well that never happened. because i feel like if i take pictures of something my family wants me to do everything for them. i understand that photography is my major but seriously. just because i take pictures of something related to someone in my family that doesn't mean you can demand that i give you prints of them. maybe that is my problem right now. i don't want to do photography because one, i judge myself hardcore and i can't seem to find what i am good at in photography. two, my family is driving me nuts when it comes to photography. my little brother doesn't count. because he is my brother. but its everyone else in my family. another reason might be, because my aunt (who is a "photographer") judges my images! MY IMAGES! saying that they are "okay" for example. my cousin and brother are graduating at the same time. and my brother had his senior portraits done by me and my cousin apparently had his done professionally. okay fine. but his were horrible! and i mean it. call me a bitch whatever, i don't care. but i know what a good photograph is. yes some of my stuff isn't good but still.
i promised a lot of people (i suppose a few maybe 5 people) i wouldn't give up on it. its just i am confused. i am confused at what to do. i hate comparing myself to everyone else. but really. i can't even get through a critique without someone chewing me out for something. my final portfolio, i redid. because i hated everything from the whole semester. that has to tell you something. i tired something different and guess what. BAM blew up in my face. i fucking hate it. seriously i do. who knows anymore. i might just be one of those artist that ends up going back to school for something better. i do not get it anymore. something inside of me is telling me to GIVE UP and move onto something else. but then what, waste my entire college life on something that isn't making me happy? i mean, photography is making me happy. i think i am just being blocked by something. or someone. i feel like i can't do what i want to do but at the same time i can do whatever i want. i really want snow so i can try winter photography with my new camera. oh well. guess we will see when i get back up north.
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to tell you the truth. the only reason i don't write every day like some people is because i want to put meaning behind what i say. i don't want a blog that is pointless. i want people to read it and try to understand where i am coming from. however i am sure it is hard. i have been pretty vocal about a lot of things on my mind. actually, this year i haven't been. i have been hiding a lot of it from people. maybe because the trust i use to have with people up on campus/college is gone. i'm serious. this year i feel like i don't have friends at school anymore. its like i am only their friend when they need me to be one. maybe its me. but i am telling you that i feel like a loner while i am at school. i don't do anything with people up north. minus the friends i had from high school that are up north with me. but college is suppose to be about making life long friends. and me? i feel like i don't have many. i am getting to know a few girls in my photography class. and sadly they are he ones that i miss the most it seems like. they understand where i am coming from with a lot of things. and maybe its because they are photographers right along with me.
i feel like people don't understand why photography is stressful. and how it isn't easy. just because we don't have final exams or papers doesn't mean we have it easy. try making a portfolio every semester and hopefully having people say nice things about them. don't think people could do it every semester. but hey. its my life. and i am sticking to it.
this is what happens when i am up at night not being able to sleep. but hey, i had a great time with my twin and her boyfriend wednesday night. getting smashed on the u of m campus was awesome. truthfully this break has been boring but when i do get out and do something with my twin, or my other half (different people) its fun. just like i am tired of waiting on a call from a company that i had an interview with. so, i am sticking around home for a few extra days and hopefully seeing someone that means a lot to me. however that is a different story and might be coming soon.
anywho blog. i must be going. talk to you later! :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
i have always wondered
have you ever wanted to talk in an accent for a day and see what people thought about you? well i have. right now i wish i could be british and talk in an accent all day long. i just finished watching One Day with my roommate and basically i want to talk with an accent. have you ever noticed that you end up talking with one after you watch a movie. normally its british. i don't understand why though? but more importantly it has made me realize that they must think the same thing that we do. then again, americans tend to use more slang and tend to be offensive. maybe its me but that is what i think.
speaking of british and what not. i want to travel. seriously. i want to travel the world. i feel like being a photographer i should be able to travel. which is why i am suck between a rock and a hard place on somethings. semester is almost over and there is a trip to scotland in may. in may. yes i say may. basically i would be in scotland from may to june and then i would have to find a place to stay over the rest of the summer. but thats not my hard place. or rock i suppose. i haven't been working all semester due to the act that i'd probably end up dying if i had. but i applied to be a team lead at valley fair this summer, and if i get the job i was suppose to go home and work again. give up another summer and work my ass off. thats the problem. i have given up two summers and i haven't had a chance for fun. and if i go on this trip, i won't be able to work. nor will i have the team lead position that i want. it seems that my friends from work that i first met when i started working there are telling me to screw valleyfair and go to scotland.
i'm not sure what to do anymore. i want to go to scotland. it is a place i have been dying to go! problem is, i am afraid to go. why? because i feel like i have to go work. i have to be the one who never gets to go do something fun. yes, i went to a concert over the summer with my twin. but that was at home. i haven't' been outside of the state since new york city my senior year of college. thats my problem right now i guess. i haven't been able to hang out with my friends ever. seeing how when i work, i have one day off a week and i sleep and don't do anything other then laundry. i do not know what to do! my best friend is going to scotland for the whole spring semester. which means not seeing her and a plus of going is i might be able to see her. who knows. i have to much to think about on this subject.
so i watched One Day and basically its a sad movie. the ending is sad but happy. (i'm not giving spoilers sorry) but it also makes you wonder about your own life. i mean, these two people met randomly one night after graduation from college. from college. and were a "one night stand" and basically they have been friends ever since. but still. my roommate and i sort of talked about it. i mean, think about it. how many of your friends are engaged, dating or married already? i have a lot of friends that are and it makes me wonder what is going on in my life that i can't seem to find that one person. maybe i need to open my eyes? or maybe that person is right in front of me and i can't see it. i love the movie, don't get me wrong. i am happy i bought the movie. it just makes you think. i have a two friends that are engaged. one that is having a child, no i take that back. two friends are having children. one is married.
who knows maybe i am just going insane. i seem to be in that mind set lately. with scotland on my mind. having people tell me their opinions on it. and there is this one person. who means a lot to me and this person has told me to "fuck valleyfair and go." this persons opinion means the world to me and yet i can't seem to get my foot in the door of going.
have you ever wanted to distance yourself from something or someone? well i have. and do. sometimes i feel like i am being replaced by some of my best friends. those i went to high school with and now i go to college with. i mean, i am like the person who they don't see anymore and yet, i have a friend who is always at their place and i can't seem to be mad at her. why? because i am either left out when they are drinking on the weekend or i seem to be a last minute add in. all i know is, i feel awkward when i go over there. like i shouldn't be there or i should just leave right away. it sucks. because i have no idea how to tell someone this. and then there is someone who is already in a long distant from me and i can't help but want to distance myself even more. this said child is something special and yet, i don't think i should still have these feelings i suppose. i am sure i still have friends on campus that are still thinking and telling me to not. that its a waste of time. and that i can do better. problem is. these feelings should have gone away long ago and they haven't. its like i miss this said child and yet, i can't seem to figure anything out. maybe its because i am tired and i am stressed out about finals coming up. who knows.
all i know is i had a lot more to say but i can't remember what i was going to say anymore. i hate that. anywho. i suppose. if i figure out what i want to say, i will let you know next time. hopefully it will be soon and not later. i plan on writing more with in this month. however, i leave you with a piece of my art work. i hope you enjoy.
(and yes while i was writing this, i had a british accent. at least in my mind i did)
speaking of british and what not. i want to travel. seriously. i want to travel the world. i feel like being a photographer i should be able to travel. which is why i am suck between a rock and a hard place on somethings. semester is almost over and there is a trip to scotland in may. in may. yes i say may. basically i would be in scotland from may to june and then i would have to find a place to stay over the rest of the summer. but thats not my hard place. or rock i suppose. i haven't been working all semester due to the act that i'd probably end up dying if i had. but i applied to be a team lead at valley fair this summer, and if i get the job i was suppose to go home and work again. give up another summer and work my ass off. thats the problem. i have given up two summers and i haven't had a chance for fun. and if i go on this trip, i won't be able to work. nor will i have the team lead position that i want. it seems that my friends from work that i first met when i started working there are telling me to screw valleyfair and go to scotland.
i'm not sure what to do anymore. i want to go to scotland. it is a place i have been dying to go! problem is, i am afraid to go. why? because i feel like i have to go work. i have to be the one who never gets to go do something fun. yes, i went to a concert over the summer with my twin. but that was at home. i haven't' been outside of the state since new york city my senior year of college. thats my problem right now i guess. i haven't been able to hang out with my friends ever. seeing how when i work, i have one day off a week and i sleep and don't do anything other then laundry. i do not know what to do! my best friend is going to scotland for the whole spring semester. which means not seeing her and a plus of going is i might be able to see her. who knows. i have to much to think about on this subject.
so i watched One Day and basically its a sad movie. the ending is sad but happy. (i'm not giving spoilers sorry) but it also makes you wonder about your own life. i mean, these two people met randomly one night after graduation from college. from college. and were a "one night stand" and basically they have been friends ever since. but still. my roommate and i sort of talked about it. i mean, think about it. how many of your friends are engaged, dating or married already? i have a lot of friends that are and it makes me wonder what is going on in my life that i can't seem to find that one person. maybe i need to open my eyes? or maybe that person is right in front of me and i can't see it. i love the movie, don't get me wrong. i am happy i bought the movie. it just makes you think. i have a two friends that are engaged. one that is having a child, no i take that back. two friends are having children. one is married.
who knows maybe i am just going insane. i seem to be in that mind set lately. with scotland on my mind. having people tell me their opinions on it. and there is this one person. who means a lot to me and this person has told me to "fuck valleyfair and go." this persons opinion means the world to me and yet i can't seem to get my foot in the door of going.
have you ever wanted to distance yourself from something or someone? well i have. and do. sometimes i feel like i am being replaced by some of my best friends. those i went to high school with and now i go to college with. i mean, i am like the person who they don't see anymore and yet, i have a friend who is always at their place and i can't seem to be mad at her. why? because i am either left out when they are drinking on the weekend or i seem to be a last minute add in. all i know is, i feel awkward when i go over there. like i shouldn't be there or i should just leave right away. it sucks. because i have no idea how to tell someone this. and then there is someone who is already in a long distant from me and i can't help but want to distance myself even more. this said child is something special and yet, i don't think i should still have these feelings i suppose. i am sure i still have friends on campus that are still thinking and telling me to not. that its a waste of time. and that i can do better. problem is. these feelings should have gone away long ago and they haven't. its like i miss this said child and yet, i can't seem to figure anything out. maybe its because i am tired and i am stressed out about finals coming up. who knows.
all i know is i had a lot more to say but i can't remember what i was going to say anymore. i hate that. anywho. i suppose. if i figure out what i want to say, i will let you know next time. hopefully it will be soon and not later. i plan on writing more with in this month. however, i leave you with a piece of my art work. i hope you enjoy.
(and yes while i was writing this, i had a british accent. at least in my mind i did)
Monday, November 14, 2011
i'd rather be anything but ordinary please
so its been about a month since i last wrote anything. my bad. i have been meaning to start writing again its just been super hard to find the time, and/or the energy to really sit down and write. a lot had been going on this semester and i dont haven't a clue how to keep my mind straight. its weird, cause this semester i feel like i can't be around anyone without being annoyed with people. might be a problem. who knows. i thought living in the on campus apartments would be awesome, i could cook whatever i wanted and when i wanted. however, the what i wanted isn't working out so well anymore. i thought i was a picky eater and well, that is just insane. i live with the worlds pickiest eater which sucks. cause i am so good at making food but a lot of it has to do with pasta and it just sucks. oh well i am trying to deal with it.
well i am dropping my business minor. i decided last night that i would drop it. it isn't for me, and lately i think that is affecting my mood and who i am. i mean, i dont really hang out with anyone anymore. and that is another story but oh well. i am dropping business because i feel like i am forcing myself to like something i do not. i feel like if i keep forcing myself i wont be able to perform as well as i want to in school and that is whats bugging me too. i mean, i have an accounting class and i haven't been able to pass any of the tests. i am failing a class and i dont know how to feel about that one. who knows. i feel like this semester had been a roller-coaster. i feel like i am just riding on Renegade or Wild Thing over and over and over again, not stopping.
since we are with the school montage, photography. yeah i had junior reviews last week. it went well, i just have to find my "voice" in photography. well guess what, it would probably happen if i could find people willing to do photo shoots and not back out last minute. it just sucks. i feel like i need new friends when it comes to photography. not that i dont love my friends i have now, but i want to do photo shoots where i can direct people. i dont think people realize that directing people you know is a lot harder then not knowing them. there is a lot of things i want to do, but i feel like being in moorhead has blocked what i want to do. i mean seriously, i am suppose to be a photographer... and yet i can't do what i want to do because i have friends who are afraid to do a photo shoot where they might have to be showing skin it seems like.
concepts i want/wanted to do:
-fairytale
-murder
-being lost in the woods
and yet, i can't seem to find people who are willing to help me. i have a friend who would be more then willing to help me out, problem is, she is all the way across the state in Superior..grr. who knows. maybe i will be able to figure it out next semester. who knows. i mean, mer. haha. that and i havent found the right picture i want to use for a shadow portrait. so i am having a friend help me out. and just having ner name off stuff she likes has given me ideas of what to do. hopefully it goes well.
so halloween weekend was fun, (yes i know its been a while since then but shhhhh) anywho, a friend came up that weekend, which was good. we haven't seen or talked to each other for six months and we are still talking to each other still. anywho, i sort of promised said child i wouldn't give up on photography. why? because said child believes in me. yeah i know it sounds stupid but guess what, it works for me. if someone says they believe in me then yeah, i am going to stick with it. i mean, really, if i were to quit now, i'd be wasting three years of college on nothing then. i just haven't found my style i suppose. it was just nice to see said child again, seeing how i missed seeing, and talking to them. oh well, maybe a bad idea seeing how said child means a lot to me and i dont know.
anywho, i should probably get working on photography and start setting up my stuff for a photo shoot for today.
see ya hopefully it wont take a month to write something.
well i am dropping my business minor. i decided last night that i would drop it. it isn't for me, and lately i think that is affecting my mood and who i am. i mean, i dont really hang out with anyone anymore. and that is another story but oh well. i am dropping business because i feel like i am forcing myself to like something i do not. i feel like if i keep forcing myself i wont be able to perform as well as i want to in school and that is whats bugging me too. i mean, i have an accounting class and i haven't been able to pass any of the tests. i am failing a class and i dont know how to feel about that one. who knows. i feel like this semester had been a roller-coaster. i feel like i am just riding on Renegade or Wild Thing over and over and over again, not stopping.
since we are with the school montage, photography. yeah i had junior reviews last week. it went well, i just have to find my "voice" in photography. well guess what, it would probably happen if i could find people willing to do photo shoots and not back out last minute. it just sucks. i feel like i need new friends when it comes to photography. not that i dont love my friends i have now, but i want to do photo shoots where i can direct people. i dont think people realize that directing people you know is a lot harder then not knowing them. there is a lot of things i want to do, but i feel like being in moorhead has blocked what i want to do. i mean seriously, i am suppose to be a photographer... and yet i can't do what i want to do because i have friends who are afraid to do a photo shoot where they might have to be showing skin it seems like.
concepts i want/wanted to do:
-fairytale
-murder
-being lost in the woods
and yet, i can't seem to find people who are willing to help me. i have a friend who would be more then willing to help me out, problem is, she is all the way across the state in Superior..grr. who knows. maybe i will be able to figure it out next semester. who knows. i mean, mer. haha. that and i havent found the right picture i want to use for a shadow portrait. so i am having a friend help me out. and just having ner name off stuff she likes has given me ideas of what to do. hopefully it goes well.
so halloween weekend was fun, (yes i know its been a while since then but shhhhh) anywho, a friend came up that weekend, which was good. we haven't seen or talked to each other for six months and we are still talking to each other still. anywho, i sort of promised said child i wouldn't give up on photography. why? because said child believes in me. yeah i know it sounds stupid but guess what, it works for me. if someone says they believe in me then yeah, i am going to stick with it. i mean, really, if i were to quit now, i'd be wasting three years of college on nothing then. i just haven't found my style i suppose. it was just nice to see said child again, seeing how i missed seeing, and talking to them. oh well, maybe a bad idea seeing how said child means a lot to me and i dont know.
anywho, i should probably get working on photography and start setting up my stuff for a photo shoot for today.
see ya hopefully it wont take a month to write something.
Monday, October 17, 2011
remember that one time when we did that one thing?!
so i was reading my friends blog and i realized i haven't said anything for awhile. i guess nothing much as happened. fall break was last weekend and it was fun. i took my little brother out to lunch on friday [he got to skip the whole day] and then we went to the sculpture garden to take his senior pictures. then we went to minnehaha falls for senior pictures as well. who knows. it was all fun. and then sunday we have a family grill out ... which was good. i had a few sips of a beer and i wasn't a fan of it so i gave it to my cousin. haha. anywho, we did family pictures because my grandma wants a picture of her grandchildren. why after eleven years but who knows. so i took them. i set it up and had my mom push the shutter. however, my cousins are lame. they ruined every picture that was taken. they wouldn't just look at the camera, no they decided to make bunny ears and they decided to look the other direction. WHY can't they just do something nice for once. what makes me annoyed/mad is that after the pictures my cousin was like "i want these on facebook right away." um..well no. i can't because i have to edit them and make them look nice! ugh. i swear something i hate being a photography major haha.
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ha so my twin just came up for the weekend. can you say BEST WEEKEND EVER?! i haven't seen her since may 12th? yes? no wait ... she came to valleyfair with friends a few days after that so it must of been about a week before i was done full time. but still! its been so long since i have seen her and i was super happy she came up to visit. we went out to the bar and had birthday shots! haha. we couldn't celebrate our birthdays together because she's older then me by 23 days. haha. it was so fun though! we walked to fargo and sat at the bar. we were laughing so much it was funny and then we got a guy to buy us a drink! WOOT!! haha. we are such dorks.
truthfully? i haven't had that much fun in the longest time. all weekend was filled with laughs. the month of october is going to be great. every weekend i have something to do. i am only going to be on campus for two weekends! but halloween weekend i am skipping my advising photography retreat to do the murder mystery dinner with lcm. why? well lately i haven't been wanting to do anything in my major lately. which is probably a bad thing. but its halloween weekend a ton of people have stuff they want to do. like, the dinner, and its halloween so there are parties that people go to and everything. i mean, it would be awesome to go on the retreat but at the same time, since i haven't been 100% into photography lately i dont see why i should go? i dont think it would help me figure out whats wrong with me. who knows. i dont know what is going on this semester. but yeah.
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have you ever had a friend who stopped talking to you for half a year and then bam, you text them because god knows why and then they start talking to you again? yeah. i dont get it either. who knows. guess we'll have to wait and see how that story goes right now.
anywho, since i'm in photography i best get working on photography and not chilling on facebook or writing my blog. haha
later!
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ha so my twin just came up for the weekend. can you say BEST WEEKEND EVER?! i haven't seen her since may 12th? yes? no wait ... she came to valleyfair with friends a few days after that so it must of been about a week before i was done full time. but still! its been so long since i have seen her and i was super happy she came up to visit. we went out to the bar and had birthday shots! haha. we couldn't celebrate our birthdays together because she's older then me by 23 days. haha. it was so fun though! we walked to fargo and sat at the bar. we were laughing so much it was funny and then we got a guy to buy us a drink! WOOT!! haha. we are such dorks.
truthfully? i haven't had that much fun in the longest time. all weekend was filled with laughs. the month of october is going to be great. every weekend i have something to do. i am only going to be on campus for two weekends! but halloween weekend i am skipping my advising photography retreat to do the murder mystery dinner with lcm. why? well lately i haven't been wanting to do anything in my major lately. which is probably a bad thing. but its halloween weekend a ton of people have stuff they want to do. like, the dinner, and its halloween so there are parties that people go to and everything. i mean, it would be awesome to go on the retreat but at the same time, since i haven't been 100% into photography lately i dont see why i should go? i dont think it would help me figure out whats wrong with me. who knows. i dont know what is going on this semester. but yeah.
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have you ever had a friend who stopped talking to you for half a year and then bam, you text them because god knows why and then they start talking to you again? yeah. i dont get it either. who knows. guess we'll have to wait and see how that story goes right now.
anywho, since i'm in photography i best get working on photography and not chilling on facebook or writing my blog. haha
later!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
I wish I could Bubble Wrap my heart
guess what! i'm 21. yup i turned 21 almost a week ago. fun thing about being 21. no one can judge me on underage drinking. hell ya! a lot has happened since my last blog. i am pretty sure my last blog as after i stopped working at valleyfair? i think it was. i'm not completely sure. its been a while, so forgive me if i am wrong.
so its been about 3 weeks since i last worked. and to tell you the truth. i wish i was still working at home. why? because lately its been stressful with school and roommate stuff and friends at school. yup. being at valleyfair was less stressful and it was fun. i got to hang out with all my friends from work. and see the people that made my day ten times better everyday at work. mostly ... a couple people towards the end of the season. since my twin ended up quitting which sucked because i had to suffer the last two weeks i worked without her. anywho, but yeah school this year. what a joke.
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school...its week number 7 now? and i am already needing a vacation. i dont think people realize how stressful it is to be a photographer. i mean, i just spent an arm, a leg and half of a foot to buy supplies that is much needed for my major. a new laptop and a new camera. two new cameras. dont get me wrong i am loving my new laptop and my cameras. its just ... being a photographer is hard. you have to think of so many concepts and figure out what and why you want this to be something.
the first couple photo shoots were ... meh. but those were with traditional black/white film. i am tired of traditional film. seriously a year in a half of it sucks. so now we are working with digital. i like it a lot more. so my frist digital photo shoot went well. i liked the print i had for it. and then i had another one ... failed at that. and so the one i am working on now. yeah can you say stressful? it is stupid how i try and set up a photo shoot and it fails every time. i am starting to think that being a photographer is a bad idea.
monday after my birthday was the worst day ever. i'm serious. i started thinking of quitting my major or just taking a year off of it. i can't just take a semester off because being an art major if you take a semester off...you have to take a year off. just the way the classes go. and i have also been thinking of transferring schools. O.o yeah ... i said it. transferring schools. it just seems like Moorhead is sort of dying. or maybe it is because of all the stupid crap that has been going on. i havent talked to my parents about it yet. but at the same time. i dont want to transfer but who knows. maybe its time for something different. i just need a little time away from everything on campus i think. it just seems like i am doing something wrong all the time.
for example. i was setting up a trip down to the cities to go to valleyscare. or well, i was going with my brother and i was setting up a trip for a bunch of people. it was going all smoothly and then it failed. yup i failed. shocking right? seems to be like i've been failing a lot this year. i just feel like no one was listening to me and i had it all figured out but nope, no one listened to i cancelled it. ha.
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well...i am just going to get going. not much to write about. since i know how people feel about those complaining about things in blogs. haha. later blog
so its been about 3 weeks since i last worked. and to tell you the truth. i wish i was still working at home. why? because lately its been stressful with school and roommate stuff and friends at school. yup. being at valleyfair was less stressful and it was fun. i got to hang out with all my friends from work. and see the people that made my day ten times better everyday at work. mostly ... a couple people towards the end of the season. since my twin ended up quitting which sucked because i had to suffer the last two weeks i worked without her. anywho, but yeah school this year. what a joke.
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school...its week number 7 now? and i am already needing a vacation. i dont think people realize how stressful it is to be a photographer. i mean, i just spent an arm, a leg and half of a foot to buy supplies that is much needed for my major. a new laptop and a new camera. two new cameras. dont get me wrong i am loving my new laptop and my cameras. its just ... being a photographer is hard. you have to think of so many concepts and figure out what and why you want this to be something.
the first couple photo shoots were ... meh. but those were with traditional black/white film. i am tired of traditional film. seriously a year in a half of it sucks. so now we are working with digital. i like it a lot more. so my frist digital photo shoot went well. i liked the print i had for it. and then i had another one ... failed at that. and so the one i am working on now. yeah can you say stressful? it is stupid how i try and set up a photo shoot and it fails every time. i am starting to think that being a photographer is a bad idea.
monday after my birthday was the worst day ever. i'm serious. i started thinking of quitting my major or just taking a year off of it. i can't just take a semester off because being an art major if you take a semester off...you have to take a year off. just the way the classes go. and i have also been thinking of transferring schools. O.o yeah ... i said it. transferring schools. it just seems like Moorhead is sort of dying. or maybe it is because of all the stupid crap that has been going on. i havent talked to my parents about it yet. but at the same time. i dont want to transfer but who knows. maybe its time for something different. i just need a little time away from everything on campus i think. it just seems like i am doing something wrong all the time.
for example. i was setting up a trip down to the cities to go to valleyscare. or well, i was going with my brother and i was setting up a trip for a bunch of people. it was going all smoothly and then it failed. yup i failed. shocking right? seems to be like i've been failing a lot this year. i just feel like no one was listening to me and i had it all figured out but nope, no one listened to i cancelled it. ha.
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well...i am just going to get going. not much to write about. since i know how people feel about those complaining about things in blogs. haha. later blog
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