its spring break, and i am home. which is perfectly fine. i couldn't afford to go anywhere anyway, and as much as i wanted to i figure spending time with my brother would be smarter. since he is almost a senior in high school and will be leaving soon. ha then again you never know with my family. a lot has been on my mind lately. why? because being home makes me think. i mean, i am finally talking to my father again after two months. and just being home i realized that i like being away more then i did before. i guess being home makes me scared to be around. reason number one, i spent in my cousins room friday. which was my aunts room. and they finally cleaned the room out. which now isnt my aunts room but it is my cousins room. it is really weird because being in that room is scary. i mean, it was her room and it has only been...4ish months since she died? yeah. and her birthday is in April so this is going to be weird. i dont like being home and people dont understand why. and that is a reason why i dont like being home. because, being in the house where she lived, and being with my grandma is hard. because i dont know what to say to make things better and just saying her name is weird because she is no longer here.
people wonder why i am always bottling things up. and there is a reason why i do it. its because stupid shit happens when i open my mouth. i mean, i told someone why i was frustrated with them and then they turn it around to be about them. when really it has NOTHING to do with them. and all i was doing was trying something different this time. ugh. i guess i should just be a bottle and explode every time i want to get something out. it is stupid because this person is acting completely immature about it, and so is his mother. which is fucking funny because she is maybe twenty/thirty years older then me and she is acting like a child. funny as hell. its funny because his older brother is treating me like shit once again. just like in high school, he did the same thing. i have no idea why i am even friends with him anymore. i tired being friends with him and it just seems to get me no where. who the hell knows anymore right now i dont care and i am just pissed off at the whole thing. because i am trying to make myself a better person.
speaking of being a better person, yeah right. so its spring break and i am leaving to go back to campus on wednesday after MOA with my mom and brother. i feel bad because of it but at the same time i dont like being home and i think my family has realized this. because they are okay with me leaving wednesday. anywho, there is to be someone up on campus wednesday and thursday and i am deathly afraid to see not fluffy right now. why? because not fluffy is the person that i really like still and i probably shouldn't and i am afraid to hear what not fluffy has to say to me. ugh. people have told me not to worry, and that i am fine that i have a good head on my shoulders. well guess what, i am deathly afraid to see not fluffy again. because i miss not fluffy a lot and it is driving me nuts that i feel like i did something wrong. i mean, am i suppose to feel like this? or am i suppose to feel relieved about this? or the fact that the two days not fluffy is going to be up on campus were the days i wasn't going to be there? yea i know this sounds stupid that i am leaving wednesday and not fluffy is going to be there wednesday. no, that isn't the reason of going back. i explained going back and why i am leaving a day earlier then i had planned. still maybe that four letter word has to do with it. i sort of typed that to not fluffy and now i am afraid of getting hurt or something. i suppose i have to get hurt in order to get over it. but who says i want to get over it? ugh i guess we will see.
so...this is a random blog, some of it is because i have been thinking due to my mom and brother sleeping right now and the only thing causing noise, is my keys clicking and the tv being on and that isnt doing much because jimmy fallon is sort of boring tonight anyway. but i got offered my job back at valleyfair. the only problem is, i wasn't planning on going back to valleyfair. i mean, i enjoyed it but working at cork caused to much drama. but on the brighter side, i am going to try and be with my twin from vfair but i still haven't figured out if i want to be an employee there anymore. that means not taking summer classes and me not getting my gpa back up to where it should be. since oh yeah, i am failing a class. yup the girl who FREAKS when she gets a C yeah i am failing. and i dont want to withdraw from another class. ugh. i dont know what i am going to do.
im tired blog. plus i have to get up and go see my grandpa in the morning since tomorrow is probably the last time i will see him before i come home again. man i feel like a crappy person tonight. ugh.
laters!
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