so valentines day is coming up. which sucks because i feel like i am always alone on that day. i guess i have been thinking a lot lately about stuff. and as much as i have been trying to put all of it to the back of my mind, i can't seem to put it in the bottom of my heart and just hide. i went and saw valentines day with a friend of mine, and then when i was leaving my ipod kept playing depressing songs about love and remembering memories of loved ones. well that got me thinking, and then tonight a few friends and i were watching a movie and one of them i have this thing with and it made me remember a memory of being with this guy i have been trying to push away. and i seem to be doing an amazing job doing so too. this guy, we would cuddle while watching movies and i miss that. i miss being in his arms and being safe. i feel like something is missing and just thinking about it is driving me completely insane. i am sure i have pushed him to the point of he doesn't like me back, and that is fine. i just feel like i messed up a lot when it came to him. he was perfect! is he perfect. and yet i am stubborn and can't be smart most of the time.
i miss cuddling, being in his arms and i miss the awkward silences that weren't so awkward between the two of us! i dont know why but i miss him and it sucks. i am trying my hardest to push my feeling away from myself and from him. i messed up and i feel like i need to fix things. i need to fix them and i feel like the only way i can fix it is by not talking to him, not seeing his name, and not hearing his name. the only problem is, there is a guy who has the same name as him at the lcm house and i feel like even the sound of his name makes me remember memories that i want to keep forever.
i have fortunes taped to my desk and the first one is "you will soon be reminded of a fond memory" ha i got that one shortly after coming back from the funeral of my aunt. it made me smile and still does to this day. why? because i think of the memory of him and i just sitting on a roof top together. it was only for ten minutes but it still meant the world to me. i got to spend ten minutes with him and that was all i needed to be happy again. not that i'm saying i'm not happy because i am! i just wish i had a real valentine for once on valentines day and i wish i could be in his arms again.
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to on another note! i played broomball today! it was super fun, i've never played it before. it is hockey..but with broomish sticks and a big ball..plus you boot skate. yeah...zooyorks are not the way to go while playing broomball. i guess it doesn't help that the ice was melting while we were playing. but basically i have this huge ass bruise on my elbow! and my hip and basically my abs hurt today as well. and my head. damn...well i will be sore tomorrow! which is probably why i am so tired tonight. bahaha. it was a LOT of fun! i can't wait to play it again!!! hopefully i have better shoes next time. but if not, i wont be as afraid to fall on the ice.
later blog!!!
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