day number five!
so tonight i am going to hold off on the writing a story thing. due to my writing muse i will probably post parts of it every other day. giving me more time to think of the whole thing and figure out what to write. that way i dont end up not writing the story at all. so yeah. right now want the truth. i am pissed off at the world. why? because people are stupid and apparently i am stupid because of it. why? because i am failing a class. yup! I AM FAILING THE EASIEST CLASS EVER! but no, i dont seem to let people know this because i dont want people thinking i am stupid for it. i am sorry but yes, i am failing a class. want to know the last time i failed a class.... never! thats right. never have i failed a class and i am to the point where i dont care anymore. its math, and i am normally good at math but no not this time apparently. why? good question. the professor over explains things and then i dont focus in class. so yes i know it is my fault. i understand it in class and yet i dont understand it when i leave the class. i am to the point where i want to drop the class because it is going to fuck up my gpa and i want to go to italy for a year and get the fuck away from here!
i haven't a clue. dont get me wrong i like helping my friends but sometimes i dont know what to tell them. i sound like a broken record and i feel like i just have to shut up and not say anything. and then i start thinking. for example. boys. i talk to people about boys, mostly on how to help them. but i haven't dated anyone and guess what, i am "fine" with that. but i have kissed several boys which probably makes me a whore. but that is okay. go ahead and think that. makes me wonder why i am not that girl yet. i mean i am the friend but not the girlfriend. makes me wonder what is wrong with me sometimes.
oh well. i just went for a walk. [yes i have been working on this blog for awhile] and i made me feel better. i vented to my best friend and sort of screamed at the top of my lungs. however. i didn't scream loud enough so i might start doing that. just going for a walk with my friend and just venting and then screaming at the top of my lungs. i dunno. well i guess i am going to be done for the night. i am just checking my status on facebook and it makes me smile at who has liked it and who commented on it. funny thing is, most of the people who commented are my friends from home and people who liked it are a few friends from college who dont judge me and then high school friends.
the status is. "yes i drink, i get smashed, and i talk about sex in a joking matter. go ahead judge me"
the one comment from my friend zach is. "your not a book so i cant judge you =]"
this one made me smile because he is the one person i talk to about everything and it means a lot to me that he said that. so i thank him.
later blog. sorry for the venting and i shall get back to my story tomorrow!
Dear Kayla,
ReplyDeleteI was on facebook for about two minutes the day you posted the status. I saw the status. Later I was wishing I would've commented, "See my status for my response."
My status was: "There is no guilt here. There is no shame. No pointing fingers. There is no blame. What happened yesterday has disappeared. The dirt has washed away. And now it's clear. There's only grace. There's only love. There's only mercy, and believe me, it's enough. Your sins are gone. Without a trace. And there's nothing left now. There's only grace."
... I am not perfect. Not even close. I've struggled with lots of addictions. I sin in my thoughts and actions many times every day. For these reasons and more, if I judge anybody it would be very hypocritical. Another reason I try very hard not to judge is because I want to love others no matter who they are and what they do. Love and forgive. Love unconditionally. And not judge. I believe God is the only One who should judge.
"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."
-Matthew 7:1-5
I love you, and I am very sorry if you do feel judged by others.