coloring outside the lines

well the weekend is over, and it was a meh weekend full of me being sick. anywho, i guess i am not sure what to write today. there really hasn't been anything popping into my mind that needs to be talked about i suppose. i talked to zach last night about some things, which would be the normal stuff we talk about. basically if everything is alright on my side of the state, since i can tell him just about anything and he tries to help me as much as possible. it is funny how you can find out who your true friends are when you go to college. it is super funny how one person can make someone else be iffy on things as well.

the whole de-friending you on facebook thing is sort of silly but at the same time, how are you suppose to feel when it is your best friend taking you off their friend list? the person who has been there for you no matter what and for that person to make you pick and choose your friends. does that really make them a friend? when it is your best friend that you dont know why she are friends with in the first place? high school was fun with him, because he never did treat me like a sister/friend. i was always the person he ignored, and didn't care if he hurt and yet i stuck by him no matter what he did. why? because i love him, which is a different type of love that many are probably thinking. i dont love him in a romantic type of way, even though i have liked him a lot before doesn't matter. because destroying a friendship is completely out of the word. he never judges me, even though there are times he should. just like coloring outside the lines, no one judged you when you were younger, but now, it seems like coloring outside the lines is something you CANT do. it isn't right if you color outside the lines. but why not?

i guess i am just done with being mad at him, being upset that he is being completely stupid about this whole thing about being friends with his ex-girlfriend. yes, we never got a long in high school but that is for other reasons none of us know. we are now close and that is a good thing. it shouldn't matter who you are friends with, because you dont pick your friends, they pick you. just because someone got hurt, doesn't give them the right to make you pick and choose what you should be doing and what you shouldn't be doing. maybe i am wrong. but it seems like i am always in that situation. i can never be friends with one person with out making the other one pissed off at me. or disappointed in me in some way.

last night i was coloring in my winnie the pooh coloring book. it reminded me of something that i haven't done in a while which is color. it keeps my mind off of things and i haven't figured out why. its just like being in the dark room but coloring is simple and not something i have to do for school. bringing me back to my childhood, i love winnie the pooh and i'm not afraid to say that because everyone has something they love. heck, i have a TON of teddy bears, i get one just about every holiday from my dad. as much as he makes me mad i love getting my teddy bears. because it is something that has been going on since i was younger. there is a reason behind it but that is something i think should be between a few of us. i love stuffed animals. why? because it is something i can be girly about. i never use to be all dressed up. that wasn't me. i was the tom boy and then i changed. i have to look some what nice and if i am not, well then i feel like crap. why? i haven't a clue.

so i guess there is a lot on my mind but i just didn't realize it until now. heh. i guess it is because i am trying not to think of the downside of things. because it seems like since the start of the semester my mind has been all around and never in one place. which is probably why i can't sleep some nights. which is why i am most likely sick right now. that and i was joking about wanting to be sick. oh well. so speaking of this semester. i have three art classes and two dragon core classes. the problem is, that is 18 credits and i am going insane. i feel like an idiot for saying this but dropping one digital imaging class is going to happen. because i can't handle the credits. which is weird because i took 18 credits my whole freshmen year, each semester i took that many credits and i think it is because my online class is a level 400 class and i haven't even started onto that class yet. i am taking it over the summer but i dont know. i feel like a complete idiot for doing this. i have NEVER dropped a class yet. and i feel like doing so makes me stupid. but then again, it isn't like i'm failing the class, i just didn't realize i couldn't handle all the credits.

i haven't a clue. maybe taking 14 credits will do me some good. i have friends who have dropped classes before, and that was because their professor/advisors have told them to do so. it isn't like i am doing this because someone told me so. i am doing this for myself i suppose. i am taking it over the summer so maybe that will be better then anything else. i dont know anymore. i suppose it isnt a bad thing. the average person takes 14 credits. but i dont want to be average! then again...i am ahead.. sort of. since taking 12 credits a semester you will graduate in 4 years. and i have taken 36 last year and then 15 last semester so i suppose i am ahead by about 15 credits anyway.

well i hope my day doesn't go down hill. we will see though! later blog!!

Sometimes it can be confusing.

there are things that have been on my mind lately. why? who the heck knows. i wrote an important letter/message to the person that i can't seem to get out of my mind. and i feel better but i still seem to miss them. why? i really wish i knew why. i do wish that they would talk/answer me. but i guess patients is key. that is the one thing i do not have and i wish i did. anywho, yeah for some reason it has been driving me nuts. mer.

my head has been in the clouds lately and i cant seem to keep my mind from wondering. who knows why. way to many things going on. another one, is urgh. i go to worship, yes, i like going, yes, but i'm not completely with it. going makes me think about things in my own life. people mention death, funerals my mind goes straight to november. people mention love..well yeah you can guess that. i was asked to talk at worship about my vocation. why? i dont know why they picked me. i dont know why i am probably speaking. the problem is, i dont know what it is i am suppose to say. i'm not saying i dont believe in god, jesus or any of that. its just, i am not sure how much i believe right now. ya know? like, urgh...i dont know what to really say about this. i just need to get it off my chest i suppose?

i also feel like people worry to much about religion.. then again, i dont care if you do or do not believe in anything. because to me, you are still a person and you are probably an amazing person anyway. i think that people who push religion on the person they love is in the wrong. or even if it is a friend, i feel like they are in the wrong. i dont have a problem with them not believing because in my eyes, they are still wonderful and people are stupid for judging.

but ANYWHO another thing.. dont joke around about wanting to get sick. because then you will probably end up being sick and it will suck beyond anything in the world!

Tell me it’s all right, Just for one night.

it is funny how song lyrics can make you think and wonder. some times they bring back memories and sometimes they bring you down. truth? there are several songs that bring me down and at the same time bring me back up and smile. even a whole cd can make memories come back and make you smile. there is a cd that was made for me before the summer, and it makes me smile every time i hear a song from it. why? because it was made for me and it is something i never thought i would get into. it seems like songs can come and go, those that dont mean anything just vanish into thin air and no one cares.

everyone has a song that makes them tear up. there is a song that is played at funerals in my family. it makes people cry and it is also inspiring and knowing that they are in a better place. however there are also songs that make you wonder what the hell you are doing and why on earth you are doing it. prove me wrong is a song that has been in my head, some one prove me wrong that i am not doing anything wrong. maybe show me that it is alright and nothing is going to hurt me right now. who knows really. lately it seems like my mind has been on a different planet and i can't seem to come down.

being on a different planet is what i have been like lately. my mind has been wondering around and around in space and i'm not sure why. maybe it is because i am having problems sleeping or maybe that is why i am not sleeping at all. there are times i love being away from the world, and love being behind a wall because it lets me think. even if music is playing and the song makes your mind wonder around crazy.

so for now, lets see what songs can bring me back from the planets and hopefully be on the right path again...

the ocean, is on fire

there are many things that cause people to wonder and think about what they are doing. some of these things can cause you to cry and wonder what is going on in life. sometimes it is not clear but others it is. feelings come and go and yet they can't seem to figure out if they should stay or go. pushing feelings away? is that ever possible to do? hiding the feelings that are causing you to re-think what you are doing. the pain that comes from missing someone isn't always fun, it is hard and it sucks. so does that mean we try to find someone that can fill that pain and suffering? is it fair? or is it to the point of stupidity. 


feelings tend to be there no matter how hard we try to figure it out. there are days someone will pop into your head and will make you cry. you will wonder why they popped into your head. or why god has been taking that person away from you. 


there are many ideas going through my mind tonight and some of the have to start with the person that has been in my life for two weeks and then taken away and then back in my life and taken away. there are days that i wonder why i am falling for this person and why i should wait. there are some times that i wonder what am i doing. is this the right time for me? is this the right time for us? what path are we suppose to be on? is our path completely different for a reason right now? it seems like something is pushing us apart but at the same time our paths meet up and then we can never know what will happen next. 


feelings are just there to make us wonder and think. sometimes they can make you cry and make you rethink everything over and over again.