winter/christmas break and thoughts.

so already this break i want to go back up north. but at the same time i don't. i mean. maybe i want to go to Scotland already. yeah thats about it. people love being home for break, and me? ha. funny. sometimes i hate being home. and i'm not afraid to say that i hate being home. i hate being home because i can't see my high school friends because we are all so busy and normally this is when we can. oh and i lost two friends in the last year so basically i have no friends at home. well.. i take that back. i have friends. she finally came home. maybe that is what everyone thinks when they see me. the girl who hates being home. but i also love being home. its just hard. it has become a lot harder to be home because i am still deal with the loss of my aunt. i don't think people realize how much i am hurting because of it. i see my grandparents. they have been married for 50 years now, and they have had two children die before them. i mean, how does one deal with that? i see couples today and i laugh. because they think its easy to be married and have children. but really, think about it. do YOU think your marriage would last if you had a child of yours die before you? and the answer is no. love isn't what it was back when my grandparents were teenagers. love isn't the same anymore. people say they love someone just after a few months. but can you really and i mean REALLY love someone after knowing them for only a few months? even if they are your best friend. i don't think you can.

my grandparents fight all the time. and its just hard being home because i see how much time has gone. my grandpa is getting slower and it hurts knowing that pretty soon his heart is going to stop and he won't be here anymore. no one gets it. i have a special relationship with my grandparents that i don't think anyone else really does. from what i can tell, my friends only see their grandparents once in a while. and for me? i see mind every time i come home. i make the effort to spend time with my grandparents. how many of you call your grandmother at least once a week? i don't think a lot of us can say "i do." i call my grandma at least twice a week and if i don't call her in a week then i make sure i call her the next week. i don't see my grandpa all the time when i am home. because he is always working. but when i see him, and i notice that his memory is getting worse and that he has become slower, how i am suppose to feel? its the same with my grandma. ever since my aunt passed away its been hard to be around her. she has pushed everyone away and yet, she expects us to do everything for her. and the problem is, her memory is getting worse and she isn't remembering the things that i tell her all the time.

i guess i bring this up because i have already been to a funeral over break. and it made me start thinking of a lot of stuff. it was a family friend. basically my other mother. her father passed away and i watched his wife cry. my mom was next to her holding her just so she wouldn't break down. but she did. i don't think i have ever seen someone love someone like that before. during the serves she said "he was my best friend" that was something you don't hear anymore. seriously. you might be like "whatever, i will marry my best friend and prove you wrong" but seriously. think about it. you can't always say someone is your best friend. you grow apart. it also made me think about my grandparents. because seeing my other moms's mother break down made me realize she is going to die of a broken heart. but with my grandparents. we have already said one will not last without the other. dunno. but all that i know is i want THAT. i want to be able to say "he was my best friend." when my husband dies. i think people are getting engaged early and not knowing what to do. or they are getting married and not knowing what to do to tell you the truth. at least that is what i see from it all.

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so, its one in the morning. yay. ugh. i haven't been able to sleep much lately. why? i have no idea. i probably have to much on my mind. wouldn't doesn't surprise me i mean my name is "Kayla 'Crazy' McDonald" (don't ask) and sleep hates me. seriously it does. maybe because i slept for a while this afternoon. probably. i went out drinking with my twin and her boyfriend. probably the only time i will say i got to hold a girls hand and i didn't care what people thought! haha. no. we just made her boyfriend look like a lucky guy.

so i have my camera. i brought it home so i could take pictures at christmas. well that never happened. because i feel like if i take pictures of something my family wants me to do everything for them. i understand that photography is my major but seriously. just because i take pictures of something related to someone in my family that doesn't mean you can demand that i give you prints of them. maybe that is my problem right now. i don't want to do photography because one, i judge myself hardcore and i can't seem to find what i am good at in photography. two, my family is driving me nuts when it comes to photography. my little brother doesn't count. because he is my brother. but its everyone else in my family. another reason might be, because my aunt (who is a "photographer") judges my images! MY IMAGES! saying that they are "okay" for example. my cousin and brother are graduating at the same time. and my brother had his senior portraits done by me and my cousin apparently had his done professionally. okay fine. but his were horrible! and i mean it. call me a bitch whatever, i don't care. but i know what a good photograph is. yes some of my stuff isn't good but still.

i promised a lot of people (i suppose a few maybe 5 people) i wouldn't give up on it. its just i am confused. i am confused at what to do. i hate comparing myself to everyone else. but really. i can't even get through a critique without someone chewing me out for something. my final portfolio, i redid. because i hated everything from the whole semester. that has to tell you something. i tired something different and guess what. BAM blew up in my face. i fucking hate it. seriously i do. who knows anymore. i might just be one of those artist that ends up going back to school for something better. i do not get it anymore. something inside of me is telling me to GIVE UP and move onto something else. but then what, waste my entire college life on something that isn't making me happy? i mean, photography is making me happy. i think i am just being blocked by something. or someone. i feel like i can't do what i want to do but at the same time i can do whatever i want. i really want snow so i can try winter photography with my new camera. oh well. guess we will see when i get back up north.

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to tell you the truth. the only reason i don't write every day like some people is because i want to put meaning behind what i say. i don't want a blog that is pointless. i want people to read it and try to understand where i am coming from. however i am sure it is hard. i have been pretty vocal about a lot of things on my mind. actually, this year i haven't been. i have been hiding a lot of it from people. maybe because the trust i use to have with people up on campus/college is gone. i'm serious. this year i feel like i don't have friends at school anymore. its like i am only their friend when they need me to be one. maybe its me. but i am telling you that i feel like a loner while i am at school. i don't do anything with people up north. minus the friends i had from high school that are up north with me. but college is suppose to be about making life long friends. and me? i feel like i don't have many. i am getting to know a few girls in my photography class. and sadly they are he ones that i miss the most it seems like. they understand where i am coming from with a lot of things. and maybe its because they are photographers right along with me.

i feel like people don't understand why photography is stressful. and how it isn't easy. just because we don't have final exams or papers doesn't mean we have it easy. try making a portfolio every semester and hopefully having people say nice things about them. don't think people could do it every semester. but hey. its my life. and i am sticking to it.

this is what happens when i am up at night not being able to sleep. but hey, i had a great time with my twin and her boyfriend wednesday night. getting smashed on the u of m campus was awesome. truthfully this break has been boring but when i do get out and do something with my twin, or my other half (different people) its fun. just like i am tired of waiting on a call from a company that i had an interview with. so, i am sticking around home for a few extra days and hopefully seeing someone that means a lot to me. however that is a different story and might be coming soon.

anywho blog. i must be going. talk to you later! :)

i have always wondered

have you ever wanted to talk in an accent for a day and see what people thought about you? well i have. right now i wish i could be british and talk in an accent all day long. i just finished watching One Day with my roommate and basically i want to talk with an accent. have you ever noticed that you end up talking with one after you watch a movie. normally its british. i don't understand why though? but more importantly it has made me realize that they must think the same thing that we do. then again, americans tend to use more slang and tend to be offensive. maybe its me but that is what i think.

speaking of british and what not. i want to travel. seriously. i want to travel the world. i feel like being a photographer i should be able to travel. which is why i am suck between a rock and a hard place on somethings. semester is almost over and there is a trip to scotland in may. in may. yes i say may. basically i would be in scotland from may to june and then i would have to find a place to stay over the rest of the summer. but thats not my hard place. or rock i suppose. i haven't been working all semester due to the act that i'd probably end up dying if i had. but i applied to be a team lead at valley fair this summer, and if i get the job i was suppose to go home and work again. give up another summer and work my ass off. thats the problem. i have given up two summers and i haven't had a chance for fun. and if i go on this trip, i won't be able to work. nor will i have the team lead position that i want. it seems that my friends from work that i first met when i started working there are telling me to screw valleyfair and go to scotland.

i'm not sure what to do anymore. i want to go to scotland. it is a place i have been dying to go! problem is, i am afraid to go. why? because i feel like i have to go work. i have to be the one who never gets to go do something fun. yes, i went to a concert over the summer with my twin. but that was at home. i haven't' been outside of the state since new york city my senior year of college. thats my problem right now i guess. i haven't been able to hang out with my friends ever. seeing how when i work, i have one day off a week and i sleep and don't do anything other then laundry. i do not know what to do! my best friend is going to scotland for the whole spring semester. which means not seeing her and a plus of going is i might be able to see her. who knows. i have to much to think about on this subject.

so i watched One Day and basically its a sad movie. the ending is sad but happy. (i'm not giving spoilers sorry) but it also makes you wonder about your own life. i mean, these two people met randomly one night after graduation from college. from college. and were a "one night stand" and basically they have been friends ever since. but still. my roommate and i sort of talked about it. i mean, think about it. how many of your friends are engaged, dating or married already? i have a lot of friends that are and it makes me wonder what is going on in my life that i can't seem to find that one person. maybe i need to open my eyes? or maybe that person is right in front of me and i can't see it. i love the movie, don't get me wrong. i am happy i bought the movie. it just makes you think. i have a two friends that are engaged. one that is having a child, no i take that back. two friends are having children. one is married.

who knows maybe i am just going insane. i seem to be in that mind set lately. with scotland on my mind. having people tell me their opinions on it. and there is this one person. who means a lot to me and this person has told me to "fuck valleyfair and go." this persons opinion means the world to me and yet i can't seem to get my foot in the door of going.

have you ever wanted to distance yourself from something or someone? well i have. and do. sometimes i feel like i am being replaced by some of my best friends. those i went to high school with and now i go to college with. i mean, i am like the person who they don't see anymore and yet, i have a friend who is always at their place and i can't seem to be mad at her. why? because i am either left out when they are drinking on the weekend or i seem to be a last minute add in. all i know is, i feel awkward when i go over there. like i shouldn't be there or i should just leave right away. it sucks. because i have no idea how to tell someone this. and then there is someone who is already in a long distant from me and i can't help but want to distance myself even more. this said child is something special and yet, i don't think i should still have these feelings i suppose. i am sure i still have friends on campus that are still thinking and telling me to not. that its a waste of time. and that i can do better. problem is. these feelings should have gone away long ago and they haven't. its like i miss this said child and yet, i can't seem to figure anything out. maybe its because i am tired and i am stressed out about finals coming up. who knows.

all i know is i had a lot more to say but i can't remember what i was going to say anymore. i hate that. anywho. i suppose. if i figure out what i want to say, i will let you know next time. hopefully it will be soon and not later. i plan on writing more with in this month. however, i leave you with a piece of my art work. i hope you enjoy.

(and yes while i was writing this, i had a british accent. at least in my mind i did)