when the moon hits you eye

so i think this might be the most i've written in a week? ha probably not. but anywho, i have been looking around online at the study abroad site that is linked up to the school's website. and its been my dream to travel europe, i dont know why really but i would love to go to greece, italy, london, ireland and of course australia for a while. its funny cause everyone wants to go to paris, meh. i say meh to france. i've heard its beautiful but meh, i am more interested in things i can take pictures of that aren't the same over and over again. i mean how many pictures are there of the Eiffel tower floating about the internet/world, a ton. but no, i've been looking since i am getting slightly annoyed with people at home/school. and my solution is to leave the country. i know, i know it sounds stupid but what? go spend a year in italy and then come back and finish off school? well i would be attending school over there but still. i want to go to florence, italy. one because it is beautiful there, and two it has my major in a lot of different ways. not just normal boring photography. no it has film photography, food photography and a lot more. makes me excited just thinking about it. so i have to go and see what i can do in order to get onto the study aboard thing. however, i'm not going to leave next year. since...yeah. maybe my "senior" year. since i know i wont be graduating in four years from college. blah. that just makes me sad thinking i will most likely be here past four years. yay art major!

so my week hasn't been from hell yet thus far. which is good. i have a quiz today though, just i am not looking forward to since well i dont know. i suck at this and it is weird cause normally i dont suck at math. yep. i am normally smart at math but for some stupid reason i dont understand this math...probably because it is mostly math theory! ugh.

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so i just finished my classes and i just got back from developing negatives for a project. FUCK THAT! ugh. i told myself i wouldn't fuck up and yet i did. of course i fucked up. what else am i good at huh? i can't seem to do alternative ways of developing negatives so what the fuck?! ugh. i swear the world is out to fucking get me or i am just about to die. i'm trying to breathe and i am trying to figure it out and yet i can't seem to do anything about it right now. so i'm taking a mental sick day tomorrow. i mean seriously lately nothing is going correctly. i dont know why i even care right now. i mean ugh! i might not do photography in the fall. i might just wait a year and then start it back up. yes i know that would mean putting me slightly behind but who cares. i mean why do i care that fluffy's girlfriend is going to be here huh? i mean its his life and i shouldn't be mad about it. well i'm not super pissed off. just slightly pissed off that he is going to be in a hotel with her all weekend. yeah wtf?! i .... not so fluffy so why should i care? because i haven't heard what he still feels about me? i mean i finally feel better that he isn't ignoring me because i did something wrong. i got that out of him but he is trying to find the words to how he is feeling and it isn't coming. so idk if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

ugh i'm dont ranting right now....

later blog!

just breathe right?

i guess my weekend hasn't been as productive as it should have been. i mean i did go to the darkroom for two hours..and did nothing really. i just wasn't feeling the darkroom that day. but i did have a great dinner with two of my friends this weekend. and then i got ignored by one for two days, yeah that makes me feel super well. ugh. then last night was movie night with the guys which is always fun, we were short one but i was texting him the whole time. funny huh? how texting is a thing to do lately. i dont know. it was funny because the friend i was texting likes to flirt and "fight" with me and then i dish it back to him. why? because he makes me laugh and it is all fun and games nothing more then that. anywho that isn't my point right now...then again i dont know what my point was of that. but that was the over view of my weekend i suppose.


hm..we have this project in photography called symbols of self. and i already shot film for it but i am thinking of reshooting it. well i have to, all the negatives were shit anyway. but i am trying to figure out how to make it look like i am distant and i bottle things up and then finally making it explode because the bottle has finally broke from to much stuff being bottled up. and the fact that i worry about stupid shit like oh yes my cell phone not being on. yeah that is fun! and now i couldn't wake a friend up for class and i'm sure he will be upset about it now. ugh. i am tired of being this person that helps out my family. i am always the go to girl and it bugs the shit out of me because i can't help as much as i want to. i have been thinking of pawning off my baby..which is my trumpet. i seriously have been thinking of pawning it off so i can go pay the phone bill but then i dont want to...is that selfish of me? i hope not..because that is the only thing i have left that is really mine that i dont think i could ever part with. ugh. 


so...i'm not sure what to talk about anymore, i guess i'm not that upset to just rant on and on...so maybe later. i suppose i am going to go. until next time blog!

and who do you think you are running 'round leaving scars

i dont even know where to begin on this one right now. other then this week seemed to be a living hell to the point of i want go and hide under a rock or something. i am to the point of i dont know what to do. i can't seem to figure out what i need to do. nor can i figure out how to feel about things right now. its friday, and i have two classes. i dont even want to get out of bed to go to my class today. because i dont understand what we are doing. and i know its my fault because i dont do the worksheets in that class because i seem to be distracted all the time. so i asked my friend to help me when she gets back from going home this weekend so i guess that is the first step in all of this. seriously this week was hell. urgh. i sort of want it to restart so i can do something different about it. hm..well monday was fine i suppose. tuesday i had a critique from hell. funny how that goes. ever week thus this semester i have had a shitty critique on all my projects. what the fuck?! i mean COME ON! am i really the only one that has to be ripped on all the time about my projects. i'm sorry if i didn't have a reason for doing something. it wasn't my idea in the first place. and second. i'm sorry if you dont understand MY CONCEPT of a piece it isn't YOURS to begin with so why does it matter?! this is why i am starting to wonder why i am a photography major now. why be something no one thinks you are good at? yes i know, they are just stupid and dont understand what you are trying to capture. well la te fucking da. i am someone who will take what people say and believe it.

lately i have been thinking, mostly because that is all i have ever done when i am sitting in my room. even sleeping i cant seem to keep my mind from wondering around. i guess i am not going to waste my time explaining what has been going through my mind. other then what i have said above about photography. because it seems to be the same shit every day. or every time i write on here. boys are stupid and i dont know why i let them toy with me emotions. i mean i swear my ipod is trying to tell me something. when i'm walking to class the song "SMILE" comes on and it makes me laugh a little about the memories of someone who can make me smile when we talk/see each other even when i had a bad day. and then "JAR OF HEARTS" comes on and i'm like...really...really ipod what are you trying to tell me now. whatever.

sorry blog..i will hopefully write about happier times soon. and dont think i'm not happy. though people in my photography class might think other wise once they see one of my projects. since i was told i shouldn't take pictures of people for the next couple of projects. i decided to make my teddy bears all suicidal and badass. so lets see what they think about it when we critique them in twoish weeks. i am sure it wont go well since it is me and my projects are never good enough for anyone in that class..

time for class though. later blog!!

you will soon be reminded of a fond memory

so valentines day is coming up. which sucks because i feel like i am always alone on that day. i guess i have been thinking a lot lately about stuff. and as much as i have been trying to put all of it to the back of my mind, i can't seem to put it in the bottom of my heart and just hide. i went and saw valentines day with a friend of mine, and then when i was leaving my ipod kept playing depressing songs about love and remembering memories of loved ones. well that got me thinking, and then tonight a few friends and i were watching a movie and one of them i have this thing with and it made me remember a memory of being with this guy i have been trying to push away. and i seem to be doing an amazing job doing so too. this guy, we would cuddle while watching movies and i miss that. i miss being in his arms and being safe. i feel like something is missing and just thinking about it is driving me completely insane. i am sure i have pushed him to the point of he doesn't like me back, and that is fine. i just feel like i messed up a lot when it came to him. he was perfect! is he perfect. and yet i am stubborn and can't be smart most of the time.

i miss cuddling, being in his arms and i miss the awkward silences that weren't so awkward between the two of us! i dont know why but i miss him and it sucks. i am trying my hardest to push my feeling away from myself and from him. i messed up and i feel like i need to fix things. i need to fix them and i feel like the only way i can fix it is by not talking to him, not seeing his name, and not hearing his name. the only problem is, there is a guy who has the same name as him at the lcm house and i feel like even the sound of his name makes me remember memories that i want to keep forever.

i have fortunes taped to my desk and the first one is "you will soon be reminded of a fond memory" ha i got that one shortly after coming back from the funeral of my aunt. it made me smile and still does to this day. why? because i think of the memory of him and i just sitting on a roof top together. it was only for ten minutes but it still meant the world to me. i got to spend ten minutes with him and that was all i needed to be happy again. not that i'm saying i'm not happy because i am! i just wish i had a real valentine for once on valentines day and i wish i could be in his arms again.

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to on another note! i played broomball today! it was super  fun, i've never played it before. it is hockey..but with broomish sticks and a big ball..plus you boot skate. yeah...zooyorks are not the way to go while playing broomball. i guess it doesn't help that the ice was melting while we were playing. but basically i have this huge ass bruise on my elbow! and my hip and basically my abs hurt today as well. and my head. damn...well i will be sore tomorrow! which is probably why i am so tired tonight. bahaha. it was a LOT of fun! i can't wait to play it again!!! hopefully i have better shoes next time. but if not, i wont be as afraid to fall on the ice.

later blog!!!

the mind of a insane person?!

oh the joys of valentines day...meh. one i dont understand why there has to be a set date to do something nice for the one that you love. really. is it that hard to pick one or two days randomly to be romantic? i hope not. it seems a little dumb to me that people get upset about valentines day. yes i have been one of those girls who wishes she could be with the one she loves. sadly that isn't going to happen this year. there are many reasons why valentines day bugs me, one chocolate is gross. sorry but it is. spending a ton of money on candy is insane! two, everyone wants roses for their gift. or a teddy bear. i mean, red roses, meh i would rather get blue roses. yes i am weird i know that. the second thing about valentines day that bugs me is not being able to have a valentine, and it seems that if you dont have one then you are alone. who knows anyway. mer.... oh well i suppose. so a friend made this her status the other day and i have to agree. it goes::


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.


it makes since though..if you think about it. why waste the pain and suffering of trying to put it back together when really it is going to hurt in the end. maybe that is me right now. i have been trying to put the pieces back together and it seems like i am going getting hurt in the end. yes i am talking about that one boy that i love and yet i can't have him. it is sad and i hate it. i hate this time of year because all i want to do is be able to be right there with him. and i am stupid and made a mistake on texting him while drunk. it sucks. and i am tired of trying to be perfect all the time. i know i am not perfect and that is perfectly fine with me. why be perfect and have little quirks that dont makes since? who knows maybe it is me just thinking about a lot of things. 


a lot has been on my mind lately, yes, but it seems like my bottle of stuff isnt breaking yet. and i dont know why. critique in photography went shitty as hell. worse then my portfolio review last semester! seriously why am i even an art major?! my mind has been cloudy and i can't seem to figure it out. i did a project, that wasn't even what I WANTED TO DO! i wanted to do something with hands, but THEN AGAIN that isn't me! i dont like posing people, i think it looks tatty and i dont know. i wanted to do something with my friends but no, they seemed to back out of things last minute and i couldn't just wait for them. yes i would LOVE to do a photoshoot but that isn't going to happen because one, its freezing outside and i like being outside a lot. and second i can never have the time to get people together to do something. that and i dont have a camera to put photos up online since it would take me longer then ever to put it up! i would have to scan the negatives into a computer, but them on my laptop and then fix them. 


i suppose writing is the best thing ever..? to help me get things off my mind. but sometimes i feel like things are on my mind because i can't keep my mind from running a mile a minute. sometimes it seems like i am just trying to make people happy? because that is what i do? i was the go to girl for the longest time and it seems like i am still that girl. i was the go to girl in marching band, in theatre when our stage manager wasn't the best guy in the world working with me and then i am the go to girl when a friend is being stupid and dumb. i guess this is why i can't say the word no? urgh. i dont know. i am just writing to keep my mind busy before i go speak about why i am a photographer. i guess because i love taking pictures of people. i think posing people is annoying and stiff. they look like dolls and not people. i would rather take pictures of people who are having fun and not pretending. 


well until later blog!!

to be hugged, to be kissed. be thought of and to be missed.

mer where do i begin this time? i am trying to figure out why my creative mind is being stubborn! i can't seem to figure out what i want to do my projects on for photography. probably because my mind has been so clouded lately! probably because i can't seem to say no to people, and then i get stressed? who the hell knows right now. all i know is i am afraid people are going to judge me..why? i dont know probably because of the things i do. i seem to watch who i am when around people, and that is because they seem to think i am someone i am not.

i guess it started the day i had a TON of coffee! so friday..i didn't watch what i was saying around the people i normally hang out with. why? because i dont feel like i should have to hide anything anymore. also, yes i drink! i do something illegal woo flippen hoo! so, if that makes me someone who is bad then fine, that is perfectly fine. i dont care, judge me all you want,but i am still going to be me.

also..stress. what the heck. why can't i just have a weekend where i DONT HAVE TO DEAL with stupid crap?! all i wanted to do this weekend was relax [minus studying for art history and an online exam] and watch the superbowl with my friends. i mean, i did watch the game, but at the same time i was dealing with stuff and i dont think i can deal with it anymore. why am i the GO TO GIRL!? sometimes i wonder about it. because i care so much? its weird, because i just dropped a class because i couldn't handle the stress of trying to deal with stuff. today, i got my cartilage pierced, why? because i wanted to. what i was going to do was get my lip pierced, but the problem was, it wasn't me! i didn't think that it was me, i was going to do something and waste the money on it.

however i am confused about stuff. really i am. i need a vacation. why? because i am tired of drama, and dealing with boy issues, and dealing with feelings that i dont understand. why hide my feeling for someone just because they are in another city. i like him a lot, and yet i feel like he is pushing me away because of something. i know i was stupid and texted him when i was drunk and i dont remember what i said, due to me being stupid again and deleting it after i sent it. why? why must i be completely stupid and head over heels for this boy? and yet i am pushing these feeling aside because i like another guy. but maybe the guy somewhere else is meant to be but isn't meant to be in my life right now?  i dont know, i am confused.

anywho, i am not sure what else to say..other then BOO PACKERS! WHY??!! oh well..it was a good game!

night bloggers!