day number eighteen

been super super busy lately... or well today. so we are having an art sale for photo guild, ceramics guild and works on paper. but yeah. it is sweet. i just want some of my prints to sell. i spent 10$ printing all the prints. it might not seem like a lot but it is. so yeah. i don't know. i feel like this whole blogging thing is boring to people. i haven't had anything to write about and idk. i have topics but i feel like i need to be in the right mood to talk about them. and i am guessing no one reads this blog anyway... so.... yeah. maybe after this i am going to be done with blogging for a while. i mean, i have tumblr and i am doing blog every day thing there but yeah... i with there was a way to tell if people are reading your blog. until tomorrow

day number seventeen

so i didn't have school today. but guess what. i had school work to do. seriously. being a photographer/art major is hard stuff. i spend two hours printing for tomorrow art sale. YOU ALL SHOULD BUY OUR PHOTOS! IT WILL HELP WITH SCOTLAND! :D i promise i will post longer ones but lately i haven't had time but to do this little blogs until tomorrow! :D

day number sixteen

so i just got home. seriously. i hate having long days. i am finally eating should be the words of my night. i was sitting in the library doing my sociology paper. WHICH I GOT DONE AHEAD OF MY SCHEDULE! :D and i was munching in life cereal. but anywho i am eating left over pork chops and rice. damn i am a good cook! :D i made dinner for emily and i yesterday. but yeah. my sociology paper was a book review (pretty sure i did it wrong eeeeeeek) and the book was called the beauty myth and it was interesting. to the point of i wasn't comfortable reading it. okay i lie. i skimmed it. because the paper could only be 8 pages long. and i had to put my own social understandings in the paper and it would end up being a 12 page paper if i went into full detail on whatnot. but yeah. more on that later. i am tired of typing. i spend 3 hours on my paper tonight and i am tired. i am tired of looking at my computer. i will talk more about the book later. until tomorrow!!! :D

day number fifteen

okay. really, the weather NEEDS to decide what it wants to do. if it rains i want it to storm. at home they had tornado watches and had thunderstorms. :( it sucks i want a storm so bad. god i have NOTHING to talk about. my mind is going a mile a minute and i have no idea what to put down on the page. i have things that i want to talk about but i haven't found myself typing about any of them. however. this week is going to be hella busy. i am going to try to get my final papers done tuesday. also. I DONT HAVE FINALS! :D i have final papers. and optional finals. haha. okay hold it. i have a "final" in sociology. basically it is an essay final. so i don't count writing an essay as a final. but woooooo!!!!!! :D no finals, only final projects and papers. and optional finals. (which i might take, everyone likes extra points) until tomorrow. :D

day number fourteen

once again short. my finger has been hurting a lot today. i don't know if it is because i keep using my finger or something. but yeah. it is super hard to type and i wish i didn't have to keep it wrapped all the time. but yeah. i promise i will post something longer once my finger is completely healed. i mean i have 2.5 papers to write and typing is HARD. homework. why you make it so i can't go hangout with him?! seriously. i told my friend i would come over and hang out/bug him tonight but that failed because of homework. BUT i did go outside on this beautiful day before i got super cloudy and helped a friend with her photo homework. until tomorrow. :D

day number thirteen

i feel like until my finger is completely healed and i don't have to wear a gauze on my finger so it doesn't get grossly dirty these are going to be super super short. which i hate before i would rather type for aw ile. emily and i have been sitting in the living room since five watching random tv shows and movies. it just get hooked on one and BAM we watch a few hours of tv together. not going to lie. i like it when it is just emily and myself in the apartment. we don't have to have lights on and we can just sit and talk about whatever and it is super quiet if we aren't talking or watching tv. which is nice. until tomorrow!

day number twelve

so....this week needs to end. i seriously can't do anything because of my finger. i never realized how much i use my left hand til now. and this isn't my week. today i burnt my dinner. i NEVER burn things when cooking. so you know there is something wrong with me. okay. this is short again... sorry. i promise to sit down and write something soon.

day number eleven

this is going to be short. due to two things. one. i am tired as sin again. and two. i can't really type that well or fast right now. you see. being an art major is NOT SAFE. it is probably one of the most dangerous majors you can be in. why you might ask? well we play with sharp objects. and lately sharp objects are NOT my friend. i have a scar from a picture frame that is metal and NOW i have a gimp finger on my left hand. i never realized how much i use my left pointer finger until i started typing today. anywho. i sliced my finger pretty deep and long with an x-acto knife. so these blogs might be short until it is healed enough. once again. until tomorrow!

day number ten

i wonder if i get into the 20's if i will still type out the number or just put the number (ie. 20, 21, 22) so. to start off my week. it was hell. seriously today couldn't have been anymore stressful. it is either stress or just my body telling me to STOP MOVING and relax. seriously. isn't that what breaks are for? to relax. yeah right. my breaks are never relaxable. i didn't sleep much when i was home. i think i have a cold on top of allergies. it is just insane and i just want to sleep. going to kickboxing today was a pain in the ass. i couldn't breath and i am super sore today for some reason. probably the lack of sleep, plus the allergies/cold thing and yeah. who the hell knows. all i know is i WANT TO SLEEP or well. i just want the semester to be over with so i can go have fun in Scotland/Ireland and come back, finish my photo class. and do whatever the hell i want during the summer. aka. going to valleyfair with the girls from scotland and yeah. so my roommate just posted a video on my Facebook page. it was cool because it had JOSH HUTCHERSON in it basically. these girls stalked him at a baseball game. but he is cute. .... no wait. he is hawt. haha. but yeah. i was going to vent about something today seeing how my day was crap but i haven't had the energy or time to just sit and write what i want. which is why these have been super short lately. until tomorrow! :)

day number nine

i'm back on campus. hell to the ya! i have been working on homework since i've been back. seriously. NOTHING is unpacked and it will stay that way until tomorrow probably. yes i am lazy. but i am tired and i am still working on homework basically. i am just waiting for people to get back from dinner and work so i can finish up my project. sort of. have i ever told you that SELF PORTRAITS suck beyond anything? yes they do. a photographer is never really in front of their own camera. it is super weird but i am doing a self portrait, well three, for my final project. so yeah. wednesday my grandpa goes in for this heart thinger that i can not spell so i am not even going to try. but basically it is this thing, that goes into his heart and is suppose to open up valves or something. the problem is. it is a SUPER risky process. he could end up having a heart attack while they are doing it and yeah. then i found out he has DNR which basically means they are not allowed to put his heart back to normal. aka. he would end up dying from the heart attack. i'm nervous. but i am so busy that i will probably be like "oh yeah he had that thing" if i do not get a phone call before then. i swear if i get a phone call saying that someone died in my family i will be pissed. okay no. if i get a call saying my grandpa died. yeah.... that wouldn't be pretty. so. sneezing. I HATE IT. i hate sneezing when i am driving. i feel like i am going to die. especially during rush hour i hate it. i mean. COME ON texting and driving is dangerous but so is sneezing. they do not teach you that in drivers ed. but they should! your eyes are closed for a second. a lot can happen in a second!!! but seriously. i hate sneezing. i feel like that is ALL i have been doing lately is sneezing. stupid allergies making my head act all funny and crap. until tomorrow. hopefully something fun happens! :D

day number eight

happy easter. i am probably going to make this one short because i am overly tired and i just want to sleep. but yes. nothing special happened over easter. other then my parents/aunt and uncle had an adult conversations. aka. an adult conversations without the adult children. we had a piñata it was a duck in a shell. my uncle pushed it into my nose and it hurt really bad so i took the blind hold off and smack the crap out of it. aka. one hit and the candy went flying. haha. the funny thing, i put the candy in the piñata. so... i just finished editing my first paid photo shoot. i am excited to give her the cds with the images on them. i am going to keep editing them though. so it should be fun. :) like i said. this is short. i really don't have anything to talk about. so yes. til tomorrow.

day number seven

okay today basically sucked. i am serious. i am so tired. i wonder if it is because i didn't shower today. but oh well. some funny stuff happened today. my mom and i went to breakfast and we were sitting there. and this group of high schoolers came in laughing. well lets say they all were probably drunk last night, and basically the first person who passed out/fell asleep was screwed. they shaved his head. and left chunks of hair on his head. and then sharpied his face. i felt bad but at the same time i don't. if you drink in high school there is something wrong with you. i mean, yes i am someone who drank underage but seriously. i waited until college. so last night i went to applebees with some friends from high school. well lets just say all we talked about was sex, sex and more sex. i don't mind talking about sex. hell i enjoy talking about sex. but we don't need to talk about it in a public place. and the funny thing. i was the only one there who doesn't fuck around with guys. i mean, yes i have been that girl who makes out with boys who have girlfriends. but that is something else. and i do flirt/cuddle and hold hands with guy friends. or well a guy friend. but who knows. it is fine. i just don't think we should be talking about it in public with a TON of people around. talking about sex is fun. i can talk about it with my best friends and even my mom. (yes i talk about sex with my mom and it isn't awkward. yay us!) today my mom and i made easter dog cupcakes. they were suppose to be sheep but seeing how my mom and i do not like uncooked marshmallows or gum drops we made them into dogs. they are yummy. at first we were like "they are bi-ractial and black" (cookies and cream chocolate and milk chocolate) we thought it was super funny. but that could be me. so have you ever had dreams about someone you are about a lot? well i have and it drives me INSANE. because this person means the world to me and if i didn't go to school with this person after high school we wouldn't be friends and i don't know what i would do without this person. seriously. oh well. so to finish off my sucky day. i have allergies. and having my cat shed a lot doesn't help (not allergic to my cat) and i have had a headache all day from my science being closed up. it got to the point of i would breathe and i would get dizzy. it sucked. my face is super warm so now idk if i have a fever or not. because my body temp is slightly cooler then normal people. due to me being a premature baby. oh well. haha. hopefully tomorrow is better. well yes. last but not least. i just want to say. don't let people get you down. seriously. people are going to be jerks and they are going to change things on you no matter what you do. don't doubt yourself for a minute. if you know you are suppose to do something then do it. having a major because you love it doesn't matter. you are suppose to be in that major because you love it. believe me. it has happened to me. i let this one person get to me (sometimes more and sometimes not in my major) but it gets better.

day number six

i decided in order to keep track of my blogs. i am only going to name them "day number ____" because it is easier. haha. i have been forgetful lately so that is why. so today i did my first photo shoot with children. i had a 12 year old girl, a 10 year old boy. a 2 year old girl and two one year olds (twins) it was hard. but we got some good prints. :) i am excited to edit them and finally make my Facebook page. but i haven't figured out a name for my photography. i mean, my name is boring. also! I AM NOW AN OWNER OF BATMAN FLIP FLOPS! HELL YA!!! :D sorry this is super short today. i am going out with friends soon and i still have to go put gas in my car. but yes. i will blog later !! (duh)

day number five

hey y'all! so today i got up super SUPER early to take my brother to school. he's pretty cool so i figured i'd be nice and take him to school. i had to get up at 6:40AM and i haven't gotten up that early in SO LONG. but anywho. i took him. went to my grandparents. started my laundry and showered (yes you wanted to know about my morning.) then i went and BAM hung out at the bus company with my mom and her co-workers who like to make fun of me. haha. then i went to lunch with my mom and one of her guy coworkers. it was funny because my mom left to go back to work and left me there with him. he's pretty legit. makes fun of me and what not. but yeah. there is a couple at my moms work who likes to try and get him in trouble. and he gave me ride back to my car and when i got out of his truck his couple gave him the meanest look ever. haha. okay. one. he's forty three. two. i'm pretty damn sure he is into my mom. three. yeah no. he's the same age as my dad. and finally number four. i like guys who are a few years older then me. not two times my age. haha. so. i made chicken taco salad tonight. it is pretty damn good. i'm a good cook i'm not going to lie. seriously. i will brag about it because i know if you give me something new to make i will make it and it will be ten times better! but yeah. OH! AND I BOOKED THE HOTEL FOR IRELAND TODAY!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D you have NO IDEA how exciting this is! that just means we are just one step closer! it turns out to be about $70 a person. but really that isn't super bad. the hotel is about a 42 minute walk from the center of Derry Ireland, yes it is also called Londonderry. but still FRECKING IRELAND!! :D

day number four

well day number four and i have things to talk about! other then i seriously hate chem. it is so boring during lectures. today i couldn't focus in class and maybe it is because i knew i was going home today. so yes. i am home now. but yeah. nothing has happened at school since yesterday so nothing to report on that. the drive home was boring. it is so boring. they need to have a dinosaur or something in the middle of a field to make the drive more interesting. or just something to look for! so i am home. and dear lord. i am not even gone for a month and BAM shit hits the fan while i am gone! i am like "WOAH! WTF?!" basically a lot has happened when it comes to my family. my cousins (note: i do not get along with any of my cousins, expect one who lives in Virginia)have been driving my mom insane. well my cousin who is forty and lives with her. then i found out the cousins on my dad's side of the family are being stupid and basically giving up on things. one isn't graduating high school this year. and one dropped out of college basically and another one goes to a different high school then the one they went to at the beginning of the school year. WTF?! seriously. see what i mean. shit has hit the fan. haha. i also found out this week, tuesday i think. i just forgot to post about it. the lower chamber of my grandpas heart isn't working. i talked to my dad about it and basically it sucks. people have asked me "why is it so important to you that you know about your grandpa's conditions?" well i will tell you. my grandparents are my world. as much as they annoy the crap out of me somedays they are my life. my grandparents have helped me so much through middle school, high school and college. they sat down with me and worked on my homework with me and have even paid for a lot of my trips that i have gone on. they are giving me money for scotland and what not. my grandpa's heart isn't healthy. it hasn't been for the longest time. and just thinking about losing my grandpa makes me sad. i am the only grandchild that can argue with him and fight with him. if anyone else does, they get in trouble. but who knows. he hasn't been working because he just got back from the hospital not to long ago. the last time i was home so spring break. but yeah. this is the short version of everything. to tired to get into detail. sorry. but until tomorrow! :D

day number three

okay not going to lie. lately i have been hating on photography. but truthfully, it has just been super stressful. seriously. last weekend was the first weekend i was able to sit and do nothing. i watched four movies on netflix in two days! i mean, i didn't have art homework. i didn't have to do anything with photography. i did, because i went out and shot for myself. which i haven't been able to do in a super long time. but yes. today was sort of one of those days where i was like "seriously! PHOTOGRAPHY NEEDS TO DIE!" i got a project back and no matter how hard i try i feel like i am not doing the best. but yes. before you say anything i already asked about things to do to get my grade where i want it to be. so have you ever had those days where you just hate the world? i seriously think i have been having to many of those days and there are certain people that are in different worlds. like my best friend, he has been part of the world i have been hating the last few times and i feel bad about it. the funny thing though, after we finally sit and talk about whatever is going on we end up talking for hours. and when i mean hours i mean HOURS. i was over at his place by 9:00pm yesterday (i hated the world yesterday ... mondays are just bad days lately) and i didn't really say much to him until about 11:00pm. i mean, we talked a little. like said comments towards what we were talking about but nothing more. and then after his roommate (my friend) went to bed we sat in his room and talked about a lot of things until 1:30am. and after finding out about the juried show (hated the world that day haha) we ended up talking from maybe 11pm until 2am. seriously. this is why i call him my best friend. i can ignore him while at his house and then finally we talk about things. for example. i call him an "ass" or even an "asshole" and he doesn't care. because he can tell when i am being serious or not. how he tells i have no idea but whatever. he is basically my "life" when it comes to people to talk too. and NO we are not dating. haha. people ask me that all the time. but no, we have a weird friendship but no we are not dating. i did have a huge crush on him in high school. yes i went to high school with him and then we ended up at the same college together. not because i wanted to go to the same school as him. we have a great art program here. i didn't want to go to MCAD because well... ew. but yeah. he is my best friend, we have a weird friendship. now you might be asking what is so weird about it. okay. one. friends don't flirt. two. friends don't hold hands and cuddle after drinking (shut it. we are not that drunk. we remember everything that happens) and three. friends don't give hugs every time they see each other (when it comes to a guy and girl. girl and girl that is different) but yes. there is your little history of me and my friend who will remain nameless. haha!

day number two

yesterday i talked to my grandma. because well, i had to call to tell my grandpa i had FRIED GREEN TOMATOES!! :D hell to the ya! haha. if you do not get what i mean, (which many won't) there is a movie called fried green tomatoes which is my grandpa's favorite movie. the sad thing, i am the only grandchild who will watch the movie with him. it is a super long movie and it is a wonderful and beautiful movie that i think everyone should watch! but i made my grandparents laugh when i told them. i think it is important for me to even call them a few times a week just to see how things are going. but who knows. so i hate mondays. seriously. i hate them. they are probably the worst things ever. for the last few mondays they have been shit. not going to lie. they are probably the shittiest days i have had in the longest time. not one monday turns out to be good. today, i found out i have to have a mock up of my final project by the 11th. problem is. the "models" i need are all going home over easter break and i have NO WAY of printing or taking pictures of them! so i have no way of figuring it out and i am probably going to change my final project so i can work on it over break. so now i get to email my professor with another proposal for something else. i feel overwhelmed and what not. plus lately photography hasn't been my favorite subject. i entered a juried show and i didn't get in. i mean it would be fine. i wouldn't be upset about it (still) if this other girl didn't enter and got both of her pieces into the show. it just sucks and it is hard because i just want to be noticed at an artist. i want to be noticed as someone who is great at what they do and what not. oh well. in sociology today we talked about sex and relationships. mostly about sex. because sex is fun apparently. gotta love sociology!

day number one

well it is april, and a friend of mine and myself are going to try blogging everyday once again this april. i think this time it will be hard to remember to write something everyday. seeing how i have been failing at the whole blogging thing anyway. just haven't had time to write and when i do i can't think of anything to say i suppose. well it is april 1st. and that means april fools day! i seriously can't come up with anything super cool. maybe its because we are older or something? who knows. pranks are so hard to come by. most of the time people end up hurt if they are super good. oh well. so today my aunt would have been 83 years old! just kidding, she'd only be 38 years old today. it is weird. its april first and everyone is like PRANKS and i am like, wow it would be my aunts birthday today and i would be like "ha aunt jen, you are so old today! you are 83 years old!" and i'd probably get her something for old people. okay, so every year on her birthday we'd tell her, her age. however since her birthday is april first we switch the numbers around. so when she turned 30 we told her she was 03 and if i remember correctly we bought her something for a 3 year old. but yes. haha. i must say, the weather lately has been AMAZING! it's been warm, sunny, and beautiful. the last two days i went for a walk in the woods. the first day i went with my friend from photography and we took our camera out. the only sucky thing, our shoes were full of clay. no wonder they call us clay county. haha. but anyway. friday we went out around 5pm and the sun was just starting to go down and it made shadows super amazing and beautiful on nature. and yesterday i decided to go out on my own and explore a part of the woods that i haven't explored. so speaking of photography. i entered a juried show. and well i didn't get in. it sucks because this girl (who no one likes in our class anymore) entered all because our professor told her too and she got her work in. both of her pieces. and now, we get to hear about it for ever. it has become a problem it seems because she doesn't realize how annoying she is and how she treats everyone else. she seriously makes everyone hate photography and feel like crap. for example. me. after i found out i didn't get into the juried show and she did i seriously wanted to give up on photography. i was going to, but i love the art more then anything. it just sucks. oh well i think if she says one thing about it i might flip shit. haha i am thinking of starting a new blog, when i go to scotland. i'm not sure if i should do it on here or on tumblr. or even both. it shouldn't be to hard to keep both of them up. tumblr it is a little easier to upload pictures. but then here it is probably the same. who knows. but i suppose. until tomorrow! :D

scotland...scotland SCOTLAND!

okay. so i applied for my passport almost a week ago. it will be a week ago on friday. but SCOTALND! i am super pumped to go! seriously. i want it to be May now! :D ha. well Scotland should be fun. i haven't been over seas ever. so i am super excited but also nervous beyond anything in my life. seriously. its scary thinking of going over seas and having to understand a different culture and language. haha which makes me sort of want to learn the gaelic language! odd yea i know but i think it would be super fun to know. seeing how scotland, and ireland speak it. i think scotland does. but i know ireland does. which i want to go to as well. i hope my grandparents decide to go to ireland again soon so i can go with them this time! :D i was suppose to go the last time the two of them went but i couldn't because they were going during the school year. and also they went when i was working at valleyfair.

so i am sitting at caribou coffee enjoying my coffee and not studying. oops. i am suppose to be studying but i can't wrap my mind around art history or chemistry right now. okay i haven't been completely lazy. i finished a chem quiz that is due in three or four days. but while i was sitting doing my quiz this creepy old guy sat next to me. which at first i didn't mind. but there are several seats open at the coffee shop and he happen to pick the one right next to me. and when i mean right next to me. i mean right next to me. i am sitting in the comfy chairs at caribou and there is one not even a foot away from me. then he gets up and talks to a soldier that was sitting in the shop. leaves somewhere. comes back and sits in the other set of comfy chairs that are at least seven feet away from me and just stared at me. for fifteen minutes straight. you know how hard it is to work on something when you are being stared at! and can you say creepy. seriously. i was thinking of leaving the shop just because i didn't feel comfortable sitting there. haha.

anywho, he left and now i am still sitting here. but still. it was weird. i need to be less observant when i sit places. i seem to notice the little things that are weird. i mean this lady came in, and brought her own coffee mug. no biggie. people do it all the time. its just funny or weird that it was a Starbucks coffee mug and she is at a Caribou Coffee Shop. haha. maybe that is just me but meh. i wonder why i am so observant lately. i notice the littlest things about people. who knows. maybe its the way i am right now.

so i am going home at the end of the month. and i really want to go home now. i think i need a weekend off campus but i don't want to go home more then once a month now. seeing how gas prices jumped and what not. oh well. i am going home for my friends 21st birthday! i'm super excited because i haven't seen her for what seems like years. but i am sure its only been a year or little less then a year.

i suppose i should get going and start working on something productive. like .... making my website for photography or something. seeing how its on my to-do list but i haven't gotten it done yet.

later.

ever since we meet i only shoot up with your perfume

so i've been in this funk ever since saturday. seriously i haven't really left my apartment, other then to eat. or go to the store for something. i haven't taken a shower until late in the afternoon and truthfully i just do not care. which might mean there i something wrong with me. probably. who knows. my mood lately has been down and i have no idea why. today sucked (tuesday) only because one, i found out we still have a quiz thursday on a lecture we haven't even had yet. which to me is bullshit. and two, i emailed valleyfair to tell them i would be in scotland this year and i wouldn't be able to join them this season and of course i applied to be a team lead so i asked if i would have gotten a position. and of course my asshole of a manager didn't say anything about it. all he said was "thanks for telling me and have fun traveling" ugh. this just makes me think that i am not worth being in a leadership position and that sucks. i mean, i took all the bs that they dished on me last season. with being harassed by my team lead at cork to having to move rides and being brought back to corkscrew to finish off the season. let along deal with them cutting my hours all the time and calling me in last minute. or even calling to tell me i don't have to work after driving 45 minutes to work and already walking up the stupid hill.

and another thing. i want to lose weight. ha. that is a joke. wanna know why? well one, its for me and two apparently someone in my family (or someones) asked my mom about my weight or said something about it and apparently i am getting to big in their eyes. however, my cousin can gain a ton of weight and no one cares but they care about me. i have been trying and its hard. i have a workout class everyday Monday - Thursday plus i get up and workout on fridays, take a group fitness class and what not. and yet, here i am eating rice, and a chicken salad sandwich. ha. right. healthy. probably not. truth is. i am beyond insecure about myself. i hate the way i look and sometimes i use want to fly away where no one could find me. seriously i do. i have had it in the back of my mind that i need to get into shape and i am finally putting a foot in the door but then i find myself in these moods and i can't get out of them. its not like i don't eat. cause i do. i found out not eating before kickboxing (which is at 2:30PM) is not a good idea. and i don't eat snacks at night. if i do its carrots, or a few crackers. every now and then i will have popcorn. a friend of mine drinks these shakes twice a day and eats one meal a day. maybe i will try that plus my fitness classes and going to workout on the days i don't have them. maybe that will help me out.

i don't know. maybe i need to rethink everything. today the whole thinking that i am not good enough is probably a sign that i shouldn't go back to valleyfair. it was fun while it lasted but seriously. i worked so hard on my application and i worked so hard to prove that i could handle the job. i just think someone is out to get me and i can't stop it. who knows. maybe not getting the job was a sign. not that i am saying i regret going to scotland. because i don't. i think that if i didn't go to scotland and i waited to find out i wasn't getting the job i would probably hate myself even more.

i suppose. this is short seeing how i don't know what else to say. later blog.

we are young so lets set the world on fire

so its 2 am. i seriously need to stop wanting to write super early in the morning. but i can't sleep. there has to be something wrong with me? i don't know. i don't have much on my mind but i guess i do. i don't know anymore. i am back on campus, i bought my books today, minus one, and a ton of food thanks to my grandparents. plus a few extra things thanks to them. seriously i don't deserve grandparents like mine. they help me out so much and i feel like i haven't given anything back to them. yes people can say that i give back being their granddaughter but have i? i always run to them when i need someone to help me and not my parents. i don't know. any who, i am not tired. this sucks because i want to get use to going to bed earlier then i have all break. and this is the funny thing. normally i am in bed by midnight, even over break i was. minus the one time i got home after bar close drunk off my ass but still.

i suppose being on campus means i have to go back to school. truth? i didn't want to come back to campus. seriously. i wanted to drop out of school and stay at home. when you have your grandma ask you if you are going to be there to help her all the time. what are you suppose to do? i feel so bad leaving because i should be there helping her.

also, have you ever felt so alone yet you are around all of your friends? sometimes that is me. actually that is me a lot. i feel so alone being around all of my friends. and yet, there are a few that i don't. problem? they are the friends that are not in LCM. funny right? i am apart of a community that is giving and welcoming and yet i feel alone. maybe it is because i don't have anyone to talk to about anything. when my grandma fell my best friend was at the hospital with her brother who had a clasped lung. she was worrying about that. and i was worrying about my grandma. don't get me wrong, i love my friends in LCM. i probably would have transferred to another school if a good friend of mine didn't introduce me to LCM freshmen year when everyone on my floor hated me and stopped talking to me for no reason.

i think this year and last year has just been hard. and a lot of people in lcm have gotten me through a hell of a lot and i am forever thankful for them for that. last year i had people to talk to about a lot of things and i just feel like this year i don't have anyone. i feel like an outcast and maybe its because LCM has changed this year, some of it not for the good of things either. i mean, people aren't listening to each other talk but i guess things change for a reason and somethings need to go back to the way they were. i still love everyone in lcm don't get me wrong. and maybe i just need to be pulled out of this slump but it might take a little bit. maybe the fact that losing someone else in my family is going to be harder then just losing my aunt. truth is, my grandparents are my world and when they pass i think it will take my every being just to smile.

seeing my grandma on the floor scared me, yes, but just thinking about losing my grandparents is hard. my grandma wants to move to florid and seriously i don't know if i can handle that. my family lives in a big circle. they live within a 30 mile radius. my grandma had a CT scan on her head at the hospital and it only showed a broken nose. but what if she is having mini stokes? those don't always show up on the ct scans. i should know, well not me personally but my mom's dad, so my grandpa had mini stokes, but they never showed up until he had his first major stroke. i suppose i will just smile and write how i feel seeing how it works.

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so i want to point something out. my blogs are personal, yes. my blogs aren't short, sweet and to the point. no. my blogs are for me to let people know how i am feeling. i don't write blogs every day or every other day. it does take me a long time to write one. seriously. i will have my blog sitting up on my laptop for hours, and sometimes days waiting to be finished. so i am sorry if people do not like how long, and personal my blogs are. however this is something i can show how i feel because talking about it, its beyond hard for me. i am not someone who opens up to people easily. my best friend has to force me to talk about whats wrong most of the time because i don't want to be a bothersome. so yes. once again. i am sorry if my long, scattered, personal blogs are not you piece of cake.

remember i still love my friends in lcm its just something i have been feeling lately that is something i need to figure out.

hospital runs and meteor showers.

well i didn't think i'd be writing to you so soon. i wrote a few days ago about my grandparents, going to a funeral and basically my thoughts about how people seem to be oh i don't know. annoying? i don't remember. its way to early. any who, yesterday (Tuesday Jan 3rd) was hard. i mean it. when i was talking about my grandparents i meant that they are my world. my grandparents have helped me through a lot. i can go to them whenever i know my parents can't help me.. anyway. basically i went to my moms work to have lunch with her (like i have been doing since i got back home for break) and then we ran to walmart to look for something for my car. my check engine light came on so i had to go down to my dads work so he could look at my car.

normally i go to my grandparents house everyday because i am that type of grandchild who visits their grandparents everyday or at least every other day. truthfully, i was just going to go home. i didn't want to go to my grandparents house because i was there on monday. i figured i should go over however to check if i got any mail. since i use their address for my school stuff and basically everything that i have in my name, due to the fact that i lived with them for several years after moving back from oklahoma.

have you ever watched a movie where when you walk in the front door there is blood everywhere? yeah that was me. with my grandparents house you can just walk in, the dogs bark and then they ask who is there. normally if they dogs know who you are they stop barking and come greet you. however, when i walked into the house, i saw the blood and at first i thought "oh maybe grandma dropped blood from hamburger or some type of meat" then she asked "whose here?" like she normally does, and it sounded normal. so i was going to run up the stairs to give her the mail. however, that never happened. i finally realized that the dogs were in the kitchen, licking up the floor not because of hamburger meat but because my grandma was bleeding.

the house is weird. you walk into the house, you have a small hallway, with a closet, then to the right you have the room that leads to the garage, and also had the laundry room. and then to the left just as you walk in is the kitchen. and there is a pantry that is in the viewing way of the dining room that we have. then the stairs that lead upstairs and then a set that leads down to the basement.

i got to the stairs and saw my grandma. i'm seriously didn't know what went through my head at that point. i knew she wasn't passed out because she was talking to me. i tried to help her up. i seriously tired my hardest to get my grandma off the floor. but i am apparently not strong enough. i started to cry because i felt like i couldn't do anything to help her. i tried calling my moms cell phone but she was driving her bus and i didn't remember her work number, i didn't have my brothers work number or my grandpas (it would have been useless to call him, he works at MSP airport for TSA) and then i called my aunt, who didn't answer her phone so i call my uncle (her husband) because they were the closest to the house.

did you know that i have NEVER ever called 911 before? never have i ever had to call 911 before. my aunt told me to call 911, my uncle gave her the phone, and she told me that they needed to take her to the hospital. well if you know my grandma you know that she won't go. any who, my grandma told me not to call because she was afraid it would hurt my grandpa. i finally talked her into letting me call them to at least get a cop or someone to help me get her off the floor.

i called and it was weird. i'm serious. i thought 911 was suppose to answer right away?! but no, it ran at least 5 times before they answered. i'm sorry but someone could be dying and yet people don't answer. so whatever. i called, they said they were sending someone over. so i sat on the floor with my grandma, in tears telling her i was sorry because i couldn't help her. you have NO IDEA how bad i felt about that. i am suppose to be there to help my grandparents and i am the only grandchild that does so it seems.

okay, another thing about police and any emergency people. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO RESPOND TO A CALL?! i'm not kidding. my grandparents live just down the road from the police station and every time i am on the main road by their house there is at least three cop cars that i pass. but no, it took them at least ten minutes to get to my grandparents house! i called 911 again because i was getting pissed. however as soon as they answered they pulled into the driveway. the officer was nice and helped me get my grandma off the floor. so i called my dad and told him that my aunt and uncle were almost there. however, i didn't tell him my grandma was off the floor. because he told me not to call 911. well i was only thinking about my grandma and how i couldn't help get her off the floor.

after the police officer left, taking information down about what happened. i helped my grandma up the stairs and then went and put the dogs outside. have you ever cleaned blood off tile floor? or at least blood that has mostly dried off the floor. water doesn't cut it. so, i had to put bleach in a bowl and put my grandma's super hot water and scrub the floor. however when i was in the middle of it my aunt and uncle got there and then i had to stop because the dogs were going insane.

my grandma is stubborn and didn't wanna go to the hospital. however they made her and i had to leave the floor. i couldn't finish cleaning it because my aunt was being stupid. i'm sorry but i didn't need people walking into the house seeing blood on the floor. so i called my cousin (who lives there and was at school) and asked him to please clean up the floor and that i'd call him when we got to the hospital. however that didn't work. he called and asked why there was blood on the floor so i told him and he cleaned it for me. at the hospital my grandma had to go in for questions and it was funny because she came back out and the nurse was like "you must be the granddaughter. good work" it made me a little bit happier.

it took FOREVER though. we waited after her questioning. my parents called me several times. telling me to keep them posted. my dad said if they keep her over night to go and get him blah blah blah. oh man it was a mess. all in all? she ended up with a broken nose. a BROKEN NOSE?! that was it. it was scary because she told me she had been on the floor for almost an hour. AN HOUR! what would have happened if i didn't go over there yesterday?! that went through my mind as well. i was scared. i'm serious. it was probably the scariest thing i have ever had to deal with ever. i've seen my grandparents in hospitals before but i have never had to deal with a ton of blood on the floor. which is why i HATE hospitals. i don't like being in them probably because i've seen my grandparents in them several times.

she's fine. i just feel bad i can't be home to help her after friday. then i feel like i can't do anything and i know it is going to be a struggle when i go back to campus now.

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so meteor showers! have you seen one? my mom and i did this morning. which is WHY i am writing right now. any who. it was hard to see, due the all the light pollution. seriously. i hate light pollution. being a photographer i want to capture EVERYTHING. so i wasn't able to capture the meteor shower this time. however, there is suppose to be at least two more this year. :D it was awesome because my mom and i saw several shooting stars go by. i am jealous that my cousin probably saw more then me. they live on a sob farm so there are no light pollution. i should have asked if i could have stayed over for the night just for that reason. i am in the mix of buying a tripod to help steady my camera next time. :)

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sorry if the first part of the blog is scatter-minded. i know some people hate that i do that type of writing. but with something like that....it is hard to remember everything in the correct order.