thunder, lightning, thunderstorm?! haha NOPE!

so a lot has happened since i last wrote a blog. maybe. i really dont want i guess. but today has been one roller-coaster and i dont know why. hm..it seems like lately i have been in a bipolar mood lately. why? let me know if you figure it out because i would REALLY like to know what is wrong with me lately. i guess it started sunday and it has just been happening since. yes i know it is only tuesday but it still counts. maybe its because of this kid i thought was my friend but then i guess he isnt. i mean seriously who the fuck gets mad because i wanted to do something nice for a friend and then tells his mother that i am causing all the drama. it is stupid because he likes to turn things around to be about him. i'm sorry but i was trying not to bottle things up and let people run my life. so i sent him a message [this is before break happened] and i told him what i thought and i told him why i was mad/frustrated and he lied to me FIVE TIMES. and i know that they were lies because ugh. its hard to explain unless you read the stupid message. which lead to me losing my best friend. great. not. i miss him. and i miss talking to him. but he wont answer me no matter what i do. who knows i suppose. i guess i am just going to live with what happened. whatever. my lost. so i lose. they win. go figure. but i do miss him a lot because he was my world in a way. okay, not really my world but he was a big part of my world and he means a lot to me. i care about him and everything but that doesn't mean anything to him apparently. whatever.

anywho, what else was i going to talk about in this blog. i had a ton of stuff i wanted to say. ugh. so the lcm retreat is coming up this weekend. i'm going. bringing my camera for photography and my digital camera. cause i seem to be lacking pictures of college. meh. oh well. but yeah. i'm bringing my 35mm camera along with me. why? because i have film i want to use and get rid of . well i am using film that we are using in class this semester but still. i dont know i want to go but at the same time i am afraid to go. i guess i am not because i just talked to my friend about what i believe in, but at the same time not a lot of people do know. and the fact that i am not comfortable talking about religion might bug people which is fine. and i dont care if people want to talk about it, but seriously it shouldn't matter if they want to answer a damn question or not. hell i have wanted to tell people to shut the erf up. meh.

so i bought this cd. its a celtic music for stress relief. ya..not sure if that is working right now. maybe its me but who knows. i dont think it is working. i like the music however. and i use to have a cd that made thunderstorm noises and i fell asleep to that. i love thunderstorms. which makes me laugh at minnesota weather. today it was sleeting with thunder and lightning. pretty kick ass if you ask me.

so i just watched the social network for the first time. haha. funny. i was wondering, what would happen if facebook died for a day. my theory is that no one would know what to do. i mean how many people are on facebook and live by facebook? i know i am on facebook a lot and i have it on my phone but meh. i've given it up for a month and i got a lot of stuff done. even though it was over winter break but still. i didnt have to creep on people just to see what they were doing. i was able to just talk to them. i think it would be a funny thing to see what would happen if no one was able to get on facebook for 24 hours.

well...my mind is wondering to much to type. later blog!

its friday, friday. gotta get down on friday

ha that rebecca black song is so annoying. i dont know why but it is always in my head. haha. the sad thing is, it gets suck in your head so easily! blarg!! haha. anything that is my random tid bit for the day. haha. wow so anywho, its friday and i am just chilling here waiting for me best friend to get here from her hometown so we can go shop and go out to eat just the two of us! yay! we haven't done that for..two weeks or so. wow that sounds depressing but its true. i like going out with her because that way we can just chat. speaking of food, i dont think i've eaten this much food in forever. when i get back to campus, we went to bdubs, and then yesterday i went to lunch with a friend and had perkins, and then for dinner we had pizza ranch. yum! but so.much.food! it was yummy but so much food. haha.

so in my last blog i told you i was afraid of seeing not fluffy, well i did see him and truth? i think i am more over him then i had thought. why? because i was perfectly fine with my feelings towards him. yes i know i told him something but now that i think about it, i dont love him like that. i love him as a friend and i hate when he ignores me. but still. we talked about it and i am fine. i am sure he still doesn't believe me but hey, things will get better. we just have to try and not push each other away but we will see. cause i like having him in my life, i just dont think i want to be with not fluffy right now. you never know later on in life, haha, but i feel good now, better then i have in a long time. which is a good thing. because i miss having him as a friend and that is better then anything. yeah i just wanted to get that out and in the open. i'm glad we had that chat and i am happy that things are okay between us. :)

i suppose i should go get ready haha. later blog!

do i listen to my heart or just be afraid?

its spring break, and i am home. which is perfectly fine. i couldn't afford to go anywhere anyway, and as much as i wanted to i figure spending time with my brother would be smarter. since he is almost a senior in high school and will be leaving soon. ha then again you never know with my family. a lot has been on my mind lately. why? because being home makes me think. i mean, i am finally talking to my father again after two months. and just being home i realized that i like being away more then i did before. i guess being home makes me scared to be around. reason number one, i spent in my cousins room friday. which was my aunts room. and they finally cleaned the room out. which now isnt my aunts room but it is my cousins room. it is really weird because being in that room is scary. i mean, it was her room and it has only been...4ish months since she died? yeah. and her birthday is in April so this is going to be weird. i dont like being home and people dont understand why. and that is a reason why i dont like being home. because, being in the house where she lived, and being with my grandma is hard. because i dont know what to say to make things better and just saying her name is weird because she is no longer here.

people wonder why i am always bottling things up. and there is a reason why i do it. its because stupid shit happens when i open my mouth. i mean, i told someone why i was frustrated with them and then they turn it around to be about them. when really it has NOTHING to do with them. and all i was doing was trying something different this time. ugh. i guess i should just be a bottle and explode every time i want to get something out. it is stupid because this person is acting completely immature about it, and so is his mother. which is fucking funny because she is maybe twenty/thirty years older then me and she is acting like a child. funny as hell. its funny because his older brother is treating me like shit once again. just like in high school, he did the same thing. i have no idea why i am even friends with him anymore. i tired being friends with him and it just seems to get me no where. who the hell knows anymore right now i dont care and i am just pissed off at the whole thing. because i am trying to make myself a better person.

speaking of being a better person, yeah right. so its spring break and i am leaving to go back to campus on wednesday after MOA with my mom and brother. i feel bad because of it but at the same time i dont like being home and i think my family has realized this. because they are okay with me leaving wednesday. anywho, there is to be someone up on campus wednesday and thursday and i am deathly afraid to see not fluffy right now. why? because not fluffy is the person that i really like still and i probably shouldn't and i am afraid to hear what not fluffy has to say to me. ugh. people have told me not to worry, and that i am fine that i have a good head on my shoulders. well guess what, i am deathly afraid to see not fluffy again. because i miss not fluffy a lot and it is driving me nuts that i feel like i did something wrong. i mean, am i suppose to feel like this? or am i suppose to feel relieved about this? or the fact that the two days not fluffy is going to be up on campus were the days i wasn't going to be there? yea i know this sounds stupid that i am leaving wednesday and not fluffy is going to be there wednesday. no, that isn't the reason of going back. i explained going back and why i am leaving a day earlier then i had planned. still maybe that four letter word has to do with it. i sort of typed that to not fluffy and now i am afraid of getting hurt or something. i suppose i have to get hurt in order to get over it. but who says i want to get over it? ugh i guess we will see.

so...this is a random blog, some of it is because i have been thinking due to my mom and brother sleeping right now and the only thing causing noise, is my keys clicking and the tv being on and that isnt doing much because jimmy fallon is sort of boring tonight anyway. but i got offered my job back at valleyfair. the only problem is, i wasn't planning on going back to valleyfair. i mean, i enjoyed it but working at cork caused to much drama. but on the brighter side, i am going to try and be with my twin from vfair but i still haven't figured out if i want to be an employee there anymore. that means not taking summer classes and me not getting my gpa back up to where it should be. since oh yeah, i am failing a class. yup the girl who FREAKS when she gets a C yeah i am failing. and i dont want to withdraw from another class. ugh. i dont know what i am going to do.

im tired blog. plus i have to get up and go see my grandpa in the morning since tomorrow is probably the last time i will see him before i come home again. man i feel like a crappy person tonight. ugh.

laters!

what am i suppose to say to him?

have you ever wondered what you look for in a man or a even a woman? not to long ago a friend of mine asked me what i look for in a man. i thought about it, and finally i came up with what i look for in a man. i have to say i am surprised at what i said because to me, it describes someone perfectly but that is perfectly fine. what i look for in a man is:

i want a guy who will listen to me, even if it is nothing important. even if it is just about my day good or bad, it doesnt matter if he is talkative or not. i want a guy who will hold me even when we are just watching a cheesy movie. someone who isn't afraid to make me laugh, and knows how to keep me awake during a movie just because he wants me to see it and wants me to be there with him watching it. someone who knows how to make me feel better when i am having a bad day, and knows how to make me smile. i want a man who will push me to be who i want to be, and a man who isnt afraid to say no, do your work before we do anything. just someone i can be myself with and not hide who i am because everyone is special in their own way.


well then there it is. well i really dont know why i wanted to talk about this. i mean, seriously why worry about anything like that? i dont know. i guess it is because of my best friend, she is going through a hard time and then a friend of mine asked me what i want in a man. i guess i dont know what is going on right now. haha. i guess i just answered it, because she put it as her status. basically this is just so i can remember? haha. who knows really. i am just looking forward to spring break and being away from campus for a while. :) it is going to be easy. but yes. what i said above about what i look for in a man is true. i really do want someone who is going to look past all my flaws and my little quirks. who knows maybe that person is out there and maybe some day it will be right for us to be together.


sorry it is short blog. but i'm tired, i've been packing and i needed to get you written.


later blogger!!

you'll be in my heart, no matter what they say

hey so i guess this is a record of me typing in my blog. meh. oh well i guess i need to keep writing because i seem to have writers block. nuts right? it sucks because i use to write all the time and for some reason i cant seem to find the stuff to write about. i wonder if it is because i am so busy and i haven't had a chance to breathe. who knows really, i do miss writing. which is funny because a lot of my friends have no idea that i am able to write. well everyone can write, but it is more of having stories to tell and putting them down on the page. i haven't a clue, i use to write short stories. ha like this one story that friends of mine and i started called. ______ belly does whatever. you pick a color and that is the name of your story. for example mine was blue belly gets a pet. haha. i dont know it was funny when we were little. i had it published in this magazine my middle school did. haha. who i knows. then i got into role playing online, it was a lot of fun because i could escape from my life and just write and have fun making a story come true on the paper. yes it seems nerdy but does that really matter? i mean lately i have been so busy worrying about a relationship that i want to happen. when really i should be listening to god and having him tell me what i should do.

which is hard for me to do i suppose. because i am someone who bottles things up and it seems like if i say something about what i believe it isn't going to be good enough people? i haven't a clue. i mean look at me right now, i am iffy on my major because i am struggling with it. i dont understand some of the projects and the concepts of them. i mean, when are we going to develop someone else's film in the real life? i mean in a way that we exchange it to someone else and then print their work. because then it isn't their work, it is your and yet you didn't take the pictures. i dont know. i think i need a break from photography. and now i am going to talk to my parents about not taking photography for a year. but then i will be a year behind and then i will be in school longer. ugh. i already know i wont be graduating in four years. well i possibly could, but i have to start my business minor..or maybe a major. i might double major. who knows.

so speaking of a relationship that i want and probably shouldn't dwell on it. i have to figure it out i suppose. i need to stop being so impatient! i laugh because i say i am being patient but i know i'm not. so why am i lying to myself about it? i mean i am trying to be patient and i know i should just wait. but waiting sucks and i dont understand why it has to suck. blah i plan my parents for not being patent and then i am not patient. haha. i know that god has a reason for something. and yet i dont listen to him for some reason. probably because i have been asking and yet i have nothing to say for it. i mean come on. saturday i went and drank. yup. after my two best friends left my room, and after my online exam i went over to my friends house and i had a drink. but its only a drink. and they invited me to come over because they wanted me to come chill with them. and i needed to relax after taking a four hour exam. ugh. but yeah. i know that people are going to judge me on this. because oh no, she isn't twenty-one and is drinking! what?! oh whatever.

the fact that people judge people it bugs me. i mean a friend of mine is having a hard time with listening to people judge her. which bugs me because this friend of mine is amazing and just because this friend is in a relationship that people dont approve on doesn't mean shit to me. they are cute together, and they are perfect together. i love that they are together because this friend is not happier that i have seen before. sometimes this friend lets people get to their mind but i am trying to help them figure it out. who knows. i just feel like since i drink and i'm not of age yet people are going to judge me. and yes, my family knows i drink, and as long as i'm safe they dont care. i mean i dont go out drinking every weekend. hell i only drink maybe one or twice a month. ya that isn't a lot. i'm sorry but i'm not an alcoholic like some people want to assume i am. what has the world come to lately. i mean people do drugs and yet if you drink and you are not of age. you are going to hell right away. well fine. i guess i will go to hell. but then again, people are always saying god is going to forgive you. he forgives you of your sins if you confess them. um..okay?

yeah i know you are probably reading this thinking that i dont believe in god forgiving people. well i do believe this. and sometimes i dont know what i believe. why? because i think some of my beliefs are different then some peoples. which is true, because not everyone can believe in everything. ugh i feel stupid talking about this right now. why? because sometimes i think if i say what is on my mind i might get shunned or something. believe me when i say, i do believe in god. and i do believe that everyone is forgiven and no one really goes to hell. but saying that, i have to also that if you murder people, or you are a serial killer no. you shouldn't be forgiven. yeah..i think it is time to change subjects. i dont feel comfortable talking about this.

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ha...well...anywho. this is different then last night. last night i couldn't think of anything to say and now i have written a novel. haha. did you know that on the facebook chat a message can be to long? yeah i found that out last night when talking to my bestie that lives in WI right now. blah. she needs to live closer. or we both need to live closer to each other. i cant wait til spring break..sad this is i wont see my best friend. but i will be hanging out with my little brother and my mom. which is always fun. going to MOA on wednesday the 16th woot! and of course my friend Nolo will be there which is going to be a lot of fun. haha the two of us hang out all the time, no wonder people thought we were dating. tells you that people like to assume things. so now we joke about dating and him breaking up with me. then again, it is always and argument about who broke up with who. fun stuff there. gotta love the inside jokes you make in college.

geeeezus the semester is almost over. blah. its already midterm and i am trying to figure out my classes for next year. i have looked and i have a lot of classes in my cart but who knows. i am either taking all art classes and no dragon core, i am going to mix it up. i figured out that they are both going to be either 15 or 16 credits. so that isn't to bad.

i'm sorry if reading this makes you wonder about me. and judge me. i suppose that is pefectly fine. i just woke up this morning and figured i needed to type and well here ya go. plus its a blog, and it helps me get my mind off things. bahaha. i love typing and this helps me when i am to busy to go do something that normally helps me relax.

well bloggy i will be back later. hopefully sooner then later. but i might be gone for a week or two due to  spring break coming up and i'm not sure how much i will be online!

LATERS!!! :D

figure it out and maybe it will help

hey its been a while since i last wrote O.o i feel like i have been neglecting my blog right now. basically i had been studying for my exam in art history all week which was stressful. ugh. but after 11 hours i better have gotten a good grade on it! i guess i have had a lot of my mind lately. mostly because i have way to much to do and i feel like i need to relax but it is hard to do that. since spring break is coming. thank god. i need this break from campus. i mean, i am not staying home the whole week and that is my deal and not anyone else's problem. i mean, it is my life and i can do whatever i want with it right? i dont know. i have been thinking a lot lately and yes i know i think almost all the time but meh. i dont know. it sucks because i over think things and it is driving me nuts. i mean come on...ugh.

so i have been thinking of next years classes and i am trying to think of what to take but at the same time i dont know if i want to take photography. ugh i know its my major and i love it but the problem is, i cant afford it all and i have to have a computer that works with everything in photography but i am trying to figure things out. i am struggling with things and i wish i didnt have to struggle. i am trying not to ask people for help, mostly my grandparents and yeah. i dont know i guess i have to think or things.

ugh..so break is coming, and wednesday of break i am hanging out with my mom and brother at MOA and dont get me wrong i am pumped to hang out with them for the WHOLE day. i really want to go to MIA over break as well. but i can't seem to find anyone to go with me. and i asked my best friend but he is being stupid and wont really give me an answer so i asked another person and this said person means a hell of a lot to me and i really want this person to go with me because i feel like we need to spend a little time with each other. yes this said person is the person i have liked for a while and these feelings seem to be fading but i'm not sure if that is because i am trying to get over and move on. or if i have just been away from this said person enough that i am use to it? i do not know and i wish i knew. blah ugh. i wish someone would help me figure this out.

i can't think of anything right now and i know my mind is filled with things i need to spill out in my blog but right now i cant figure it out. maybe tomorrow will be better for my mind to write.

later blogger!