so i've been in this funk ever since saturday. seriously i haven't really left my apartment, other then to eat. or go to the store for something. i haven't taken a shower until late in the afternoon and truthfully i just do not care. which might mean there i something wrong with me. probably. who knows. my mood lately has been down and i have no idea why. today sucked (tuesday) only because one, i found out we still have a quiz thursday on a lecture we haven't even had yet. which to me is bullshit. and two, i emailed valleyfair to tell them i would be in scotland this year and i wouldn't be able to join them this season and of course i applied to be a team lead so i asked if i would have gotten a position. and of course my asshole of a manager didn't say anything about it. all he said was "thanks for telling me and have fun traveling" ugh. this just makes me think that i am not worth being in a leadership position and that sucks. i mean, i took all the bs that they dished on me last season. with being harassed by my team lead at cork to having to move rides and being brought back to corkscrew to finish off the season. let along deal with them cutting my hours all the time and calling me in last minute. or even calling to tell me i don't have to work after driving 45 minutes to work and already walking up the stupid hill.
and another thing. i want to lose weight. ha. that is a joke. wanna know why? well one, its for me and two apparently someone in my family (or someones) asked my mom about my weight or said something about it and apparently i am getting to big in their eyes. however, my cousin can gain a ton of weight and no one cares but they care about me. i have been trying and its hard. i have a workout class everyday Monday - Thursday plus i get up and workout on fridays, take a group fitness class and what not. and yet, here i am eating rice, and a chicken salad sandwich. ha. right. healthy. probably not. truth is. i am beyond insecure about myself. i hate the way i look and sometimes i use want to fly away where no one could find me. seriously i do. i have had it in the back of my mind that i need to get into shape and i am finally putting a foot in the door but then i find myself in these moods and i can't get out of them. its not like i don't eat. cause i do. i found out not eating before kickboxing (which is at 2:30PM) is not a good idea. and i don't eat snacks at night. if i do its carrots, or a few crackers. every now and then i will have popcorn. a friend of mine drinks these shakes twice a day and eats one meal a day. maybe i will try that plus my fitness classes and going to workout on the days i don't have them. maybe that will help me out.
i don't know. maybe i need to rethink everything. today the whole thinking that i am not good enough is probably a sign that i shouldn't go back to valleyfair. it was fun while it lasted but seriously. i worked so hard on my application and i worked so hard to prove that i could handle the job. i just think someone is out to get me and i can't stop it. who knows. maybe not getting the job was a sign. not that i am saying i regret going to scotland. because i don't. i think that if i didn't go to scotland and i waited to find out i wasn't getting the job i would probably hate myself even more.
i suppose. this is short seeing how i don't know what else to say. later blog.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
we are young so lets set the world on fire
so its 2 am. i seriously need to stop wanting to write super early in the morning. but i can't sleep. there has to be something wrong with me? i don't know. i don't have much on my mind but i guess i do. i don't know anymore. i am back on campus, i bought my books today, minus one, and a ton of food thanks to my grandparents. plus a few extra things thanks to them. seriously i don't deserve grandparents like mine. they help me out so much and i feel like i haven't given anything back to them. yes people can say that i give back being their granddaughter but have i? i always run to them when i need someone to help me and not my parents. i don't know. any who, i am not tired. this sucks because i want to get use to going to bed earlier then i have all break. and this is the funny thing. normally i am in bed by midnight, even over break i was. minus the one time i got home after bar close drunk off my ass but still.
i suppose being on campus means i have to go back to school. truth? i didn't want to come back to campus. seriously. i wanted to drop out of school and stay at home. when you have your grandma ask you if you are going to be there to help her all the time. what are you suppose to do? i feel so bad leaving because i should be there helping her.
also, have you ever felt so alone yet you are around all of your friends? sometimes that is me. actually that is me a lot. i feel so alone being around all of my friends. and yet, there are a few that i don't. problem? they are the friends that are not in LCM. funny right? i am apart of a community that is giving and welcoming and yet i feel alone. maybe it is because i don't have anyone to talk to about anything. when my grandma fell my best friend was at the hospital with her brother who had a clasped lung. she was worrying about that. and i was worrying about my grandma. don't get me wrong, i love my friends in LCM. i probably would have transferred to another school if a good friend of mine didn't introduce me to LCM freshmen year when everyone on my floor hated me and stopped talking to me for no reason.
i think this year and last year has just been hard. and a lot of people in lcm have gotten me through a hell of a lot and i am forever thankful for them for that. last year i had people to talk to about a lot of things and i just feel like this year i don't have anyone. i feel like an outcast and maybe its because LCM has changed this year, some of it not for the good of things either. i mean, people aren't listening to each other talk but i guess things change for a reason and somethings need to go back to the way they were. i still love everyone in lcm don't get me wrong. and maybe i just need to be pulled out of this slump but it might take a little bit. maybe the fact that losing someone else in my family is going to be harder then just losing my aunt. truth is, my grandparents are my world and when they pass i think it will take my every being just to smile.
seeing my grandma on the floor scared me, yes, but just thinking about losing my grandparents is hard. my grandma wants to move to florid and seriously i don't know if i can handle that. my family lives in a big circle. they live within a 30 mile radius. my grandma had a CT scan on her head at the hospital and it only showed a broken nose. but what if she is having mini stokes? those don't always show up on the ct scans. i should know, well not me personally but my mom's dad, so my grandpa had mini stokes, but they never showed up until he had his first major stroke. i suppose i will just smile and write how i feel seeing how it works.
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so i want to point something out. my blogs are personal, yes. my blogs aren't short, sweet and to the point. no. my blogs are for me to let people know how i am feeling. i don't write blogs every day or every other day. it does take me a long time to write one. seriously. i will have my blog sitting up on my laptop for hours, and sometimes days waiting to be finished. so i am sorry if people do not like how long, and personal my blogs are. however this is something i can show how i feel because talking about it, its beyond hard for me. i am not someone who opens up to people easily. my best friend has to force me to talk about whats wrong most of the time because i don't want to be a bothersome. so yes. once again. i am sorry if my long, scattered, personal blogs are not you piece of cake.
remember i still love my friends in lcm its just something i have been feeling lately that is something i need to figure out.
i suppose being on campus means i have to go back to school. truth? i didn't want to come back to campus. seriously. i wanted to drop out of school and stay at home. when you have your grandma ask you if you are going to be there to help her all the time. what are you suppose to do? i feel so bad leaving because i should be there helping her.
also, have you ever felt so alone yet you are around all of your friends? sometimes that is me. actually that is me a lot. i feel so alone being around all of my friends. and yet, there are a few that i don't. problem? they are the friends that are not in LCM. funny right? i am apart of a community that is giving and welcoming and yet i feel alone. maybe it is because i don't have anyone to talk to about anything. when my grandma fell my best friend was at the hospital with her brother who had a clasped lung. she was worrying about that. and i was worrying about my grandma. don't get me wrong, i love my friends in LCM. i probably would have transferred to another school if a good friend of mine didn't introduce me to LCM freshmen year when everyone on my floor hated me and stopped talking to me for no reason.
i think this year and last year has just been hard. and a lot of people in lcm have gotten me through a hell of a lot and i am forever thankful for them for that. last year i had people to talk to about a lot of things and i just feel like this year i don't have anyone. i feel like an outcast and maybe its because LCM has changed this year, some of it not for the good of things either. i mean, people aren't listening to each other talk but i guess things change for a reason and somethings need to go back to the way they were. i still love everyone in lcm don't get me wrong. and maybe i just need to be pulled out of this slump but it might take a little bit. maybe the fact that losing someone else in my family is going to be harder then just losing my aunt. truth is, my grandparents are my world and when they pass i think it will take my every being just to smile.
seeing my grandma on the floor scared me, yes, but just thinking about losing my grandparents is hard. my grandma wants to move to florid and seriously i don't know if i can handle that. my family lives in a big circle. they live within a 30 mile radius. my grandma had a CT scan on her head at the hospital and it only showed a broken nose. but what if she is having mini stokes? those don't always show up on the ct scans. i should know, well not me personally but my mom's dad, so my grandpa had mini stokes, but they never showed up until he had his first major stroke. i suppose i will just smile and write how i feel seeing how it works.
-------------------------------------------------------------
so i want to point something out. my blogs are personal, yes. my blogs aren't short, sweet and to the point. no. my blogs are for me to let people know how i am feeling. i don't write blogs every day or every other day. it does take me a long time to write one. seriously. i will have my blog sitting up on my laptop for hours, and sometimes days waiting to be finished. so i am sorry if people do not like how long, and personal my blogs are. however this is something i can show how i feel because talking about it, its beyond hard for me. i am not someone who opens up to people easily. my best friend has to force me to talk about whats wrong most of the time because i don't want to be a bothersome. so yes. once again. i am sorry if my long, scattered, personal blogs are not you piece of cake.
remember i still love my friends in lcm its just something i have been feeling lately that is something i need to figure out.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
hospital runs and meteor showers.
well i didn't think i'd be writing to you so soon. i wrote a few days ago about my grandparents, going to a funeral and basically my thoughts about how people seem to be oh i don't know. annoying? i don't remember. its way to early. any who, yesterday (Tuesday Jan 3rd) was hard. i mean it. when i was talking about my grandparents i meant that they are my world. my grandparents have helped me through a lot. i can go to them whenever i know my parents can't help me.. anyway. basically i went to my moms work to have lunch with her (like i have been doing since i got back home for break) and then we ran to walmart to look for something for my car. my check engine light came on so i had to go down to my dads work so he could look at my car.
normally i go to my grandparents house everyday because i am that type of grandchild who visits their grandparents everyday or at least every other day. truthfully, i was just going to go home. i didn't want to go to my grandparents house because i was there on monday. i figured i should go over however to check if i got any mail. since i use their address for my school stuff and basically everything that i have in my name, due to the fact that i lived with them for several years after moving back from oklahoma.
have you ever watched a movie where when you walk in the front door there is blood everywhere? yeah that was me. with my grandparents house you can just walk in, the dogs bark and then they ask who is there. normally if they dogs know who you are they stop barking and come greet you. however, when i walked into the house, i saw the blood and at first i thought "oh maybe grandma dropped blood from hamburger or some type of meat" then she asked "whose here?" like she normally does, and it sounded normal. so i was going to run up the stairs to give her the mail. however, that never happened. i finally realized that the dogs were in the kitchen, licking up the floor not because of hamburger meat but because my grandma was bleeding.
the house is weird. you walk into the house, you have a small hallway, with a closet, then to the right you have the room that leads to the garage, and also had the laundry room. and then to the left just as you walk in is the kitchen. and there is a pantry that is in the viewing way of the dining room that we have. then the stairs that lead upstairs and then a set that leads down to the basement.
i got to the stairs and saw my grandma. i'm seriously didn't know what went through my head at that point. i knew she wasn't passed out because she was talking to me. i tried to help her up. i seriously tired my hardest to get my grandma off the floor. but i am apparently not strong enough. i started to cry because i felt like i couldn't do anything to help her. i tried calling my moms cell phone but she was driving her bus and i didn't remember her work number, i didn't have my brothers work number or my grandpas (it would have been useless to call him, he works at MSP airport for TSA) and then i called my aunt, who didn't answer her phone so i call my uncle (her husband) because they were the closest to the house.
did you know that i have NEVER ever called 911 before? never have i ever had to call 911 before. my aunt told me to call 911, my uncle gave her the phone, and she told me that they needed to take her to the hospital. well if you know my grandma you know that she won't go. any who, my grandma told me not to call because she was afraid it would hurt my grandpa. i finally talked her into letting me call them to at least get a cop or someone to help me get her off the floor.
i called and it was weird. i'm serious. i thought 911 was suppose to answer right away?! but no, it ran at least 5 times before they answered. i'm sorry but someone could be dying and yet people don't answer. so whatever. i called, they said they were sending someone over. so i sat on the floor with my grandma, in tears telling her i was sorry because i couldn't help her. you have NO IDEA how bad i felt about that. i am suppose to be there to help my grandparents and i am the only grandchild that does so it seems.
okay, another thing about police and any emergency people. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO RESPOND TO A CALL?! i'm not kidding. my grandparents live just down the road from the police station and every time i am on the main road by their house there is at least three cop cars that i pass. but no, it took them at least ten minutes to get to my grandparents house! i called 911 again because i was getting pissed. however as soon as they answered they pulled into the driveway. the officer was nice and helped me get my grandma off the floor. so i called my dad and told him that my aunt and uncle were almost there. however, i didn't tell him my grandma was off the floor. because he told me not to call 911. well i was only thinking about my grandma and how i couldn't help get her off the floor.
after the police officer left, taking information down about what happened. i helped my grandma up the stairs and then went and put the dogs outside. have you ever cleaned blood off tile floor? or at least blood that has mostly dried off the floor. water doesn't cut it. so, i had to put bleach in a bowl and put my grandma's super hot water and scrub the floor. however when i was in the middle of it my aunt and uncle got there and then i had to stop because the dogs were going insane.
my grandma is stubborn and didn't wanna go to the hospital. however they made her and i had to leave the floor. i couldn't finish cleaning it because my aunt was being stupid. i'm sorry but i didn't need people walking into the house seeing blood on the floor. so i called my cousin (who lives there and was at school) and asked him to please clean up the floor and that i'd call him when we got to the hospital. however that didn't work. he called and asked why there was blood on the floor so i told him and he cleaned it for me. at the hospital my grandma had to go in for questions and it was funny because she came back out and the nurse was like "you must be the granddaughter. good work" it made me a little bit happier.
it took FOREVER though. we waited after her questioning. my parents called me several times. telling me to keep them posted. my dad said if they keep her over night to go and get him blah blah blah. oh man it was a mess. all in all? she ended up with a broken nose. a BROKEN NOSE?! that was it. it was scary because she told me she had been on the floor for almost an hour. AN HOUR! what would have happened if i didn't go over there yesterday?! that went through my mind as well. i was scared. i'm serious. it was probably the scariest thing i have ever had to deal with ever. i've seen my grandparents in hospitals before but i have never had to deal with a ton of blood on the floor. which is why i HATE hospitals. i don't like being in them probably because i've seen my grandparents in them several times.
she's fine. i just feel bad i can't be home to help her after friday. then i feel like i can't do anything and i know it is going to be a struggle when i go back to campus now.
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so meteor showers! have you seen one? my mom and i did this morning. which is WHY i am writing right now. any who. it was hard to see, due the all the light pollution. seriously. i hate light pollution. being a photographer i want to capture EVERYTHING. so i wasn't able to capture the meteor shower this time. however, there is suppose to be at least two more this year. :D it was awesome because my mom and i saw several shooting stars go by. i am jealous that my cousin probably saw more then me. they live on a sob farm so there are no light pollution. i should have asked if i could have stayed over for the night just for that reason. i am in the mix of buying a tripod to help steady my camera next time. :)
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sorry if the first part of the blog is scatter-minded. i know some people hate that i do that type of writing. but with something like that....it is hard to remember everything in the correct order.
normally i go to my grandparents house everyday because i am that type of grandchild who visits their grandparents everyday or at least every other day. truthfully, i was just going to go home. i didn't want to go to my grandparents house because i was there on monday. i figured i should go over however to check if i got any mail. since i use their address for my school stuff and basically everything that i have in my name, due to the fact that i lived with them for several years after moving back from oklahoma.
have you ever watched a movie where when you walk in the front door there is blood everywhere? yeah that was me. with my grandparents house you can just walk in, the dogs bark and then they ask who is there. normally if they dogs know who you are they stop barking and come greet you. however, when i walked into the house, i saw the blood and at first i thought "oh maybe grandma dropped blood from hamburger or some type of meat" then she asked "whose here?" like she normally does, and it sounded normal. so i was going to run up the stairs to give her the mail. however, that never happened. i finally realized that the dogs were in the kitchen, licking up the floor not because of hamburger meat but because my grandma was bleeding.
the house is weird. you walk into the house, you have a small hallway, with a closet, then to the right you have the room that leads to the garage, and also had the laundry room. and then to the left just as you walk in is the kitchen. and there is a pantry that is in the viewing way of the dining room that we have. then the stairs that lead upstairs and then a set that leads down to the basement.
i got to the stairs and saw my grandma. i'm seriously didn't know what went through my head at that point. i knew she wasn't passed out because she was talking to me. i tried to help her up. i seriously tired my hardest to get my grandma off the floor. but i am apparently not strong enough. i started to cry because i felt like i couldn't do anything to help her. i tried calling my moms cell phone but she was driving her bus and i didn't remember her work number, i didn't have my brothers work number or my grandpas (it would have been useless to call him, he works at MSP airport for TSA) and then i called my aunt, who didn't answer her phone so i call my uncle (her husband) because they were the closest to the house.
did you know that i have NEVER ever called 911 before? never have i ever had to call 911 before. my aunt told me to call 911, my uncle gave her the phone, and she told me that they needed to take her to the hospital. well if you know my grandma you know that she won't go. any who, my grandma told me not to call because she was afraid it would hurt my grandpa. i finally talked her into letting me call them to at least get a cop or someone to help me get her off the floor.
i called and it was weird. i'm serious. i thought 911 was suppose to answer right away?! but no, it ran at least 5 times before they answered. i'm sorry but someone could be dying and yet people don't answer. so whatever. i called, they said they were sending someone over. so i sat on the floor with my grandma, in tears telling her i was sorry because i couldn't help her. you have NO IDEA how bad i felt about that. i am suppose to be there to help my grandparents and i am the only grandchild that does so it seems.
okay, another thing about police and any emergency people. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO RESPOND TO A CALL?! i'm not kidding. my grandparents live just down the road from the police station and every time i am on the main road by their house there is at least three cop cars that i pass. but no, it took them at least ten minutes to get to my grandparents house! i called 911 again because i was getting pissed. however as soon as they answered they pulled into the driveway. the officer was nice and helped me get my grandma off the floor. so i called my dad and told him that my aunt and uncle were almost there. however, i didn't tell him my grandma was off the floor. because he told me not to call 911. well i was only thinking about my grandma and how i couldn't help get her off the floor.
after the police officer left, taking information down about what happened. i helped my grandma up the stairs and then went and put the dogs outside. have you ever cleaned blood off tile floor? or at least blood that has mostly dried off the floor. water doesn't cut it. so, i had to put bleach in a bowl and put my grandma's super hot water and scrub the floor. however when i was in the middle of it my aunt and uncle got there and then i had to stop because the dogs were going insane.
my grandma is stubborn and didn't wanna go to the hospital. however they made her and i had to leave the floor. i couldn't finish cleaning it because my aunt was being stupid. i'm sorry but i didn't need people walking into the house seeing blood on the floor. so i called my cousin (who lives there and was at school) and asked him to please clean up the floor and that i'd call him when we got to the hospital. however that didn't work. he called and asked why there was blood on the floor so i told him and he cleaned it for me. at the hospital my grandma had to go in for questions and it was funny because she came back out and the nurse was like "you must be the granddaughter. good work" it made me a little bit happier.
it took FOREVER though. we waited after her questioning. my parents called me several times. telling me to keep them posted. my dad said if they keep her over night to go and get him blah blah blah. oh man it was a mess. all in all? she ended up with a broken nose. a BROKEN NOSE?! that was it. it was scary because she told me she had been on the floor for almost an hour. AN HOUR! what would have happened if i didn't go over there yesterday?! that went through my mind as well. i was scared. i'm serious. it was probably the scariest thing i have ever had to deal with ever. i've seen my grandparents in hospitals before but i have never had to deal with a ton of blood on the floor. which is why i HATE hospitals. i don't like being in them probably because i've seen my grandparents in them several times.
she's fine. i just feel bad i can't be home to help her after friday. then i feel like i can't do anything and i know it is going to be a struggle when i go back to campus now.
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so meteor showers! have you seen one? my mom and i did this morning. which is WHY i am writing right now. any who. it was hard to see, due the all the light pollution. seriously. i hate light pollution. being a photographer i want to capture EVERYTHING. so i wasn't able to capture the meteor shower this time. however, there is suppose to be at least two more this year. :D it was awesome because my mom and i saw several shooting stars go by. i am jealous that my cousin probably saw more then me. they live on a sob farm so there are no light pollution. i should have asked if i could have stayed over for the night just for that reason. i am in the mix of buying a tripod to help steady my camera next time. :)
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sorry if the first part of the blog is scatter-minded. i know some people hate that i do that type of writing. but with something like that....it is hard to remember everything in the correct order.
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